Arkham Oddyssey
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Thought I'd do something epic for my 200th story ;-) So here it is - Joker tells his own version of Homer's "Odyssey." Thanks to WordsThatKill for the suggestion, and thanks to all my readers for helping me get to 200 with their incredible support! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Arkham Oddyssey**

"Booooring!" groaned J.J., throwing down the book he was reading and rubbing his eyes.

"I know it is, but we have to get through this for Lit class," muttered his twin sister Arleen, her eyes focused on her copy of the same book.

"No, that's what Wikipedia is for," retorted her brother, turning to his laptop. "It's so you don't have to read books for school, and can rip plot summaries off the internet instead. God bless technology."

"That's cheating, J.J.," said Arleen, looking up to glare at him sternly.

"It's only cheating if you get caught," retorted J.J., typing in the web address.

"Is that what you tell your girlfriend?" asked Arleen.

"I don't cheat on my girlfriends – they all know about each other," retorted J.J. "Aunt Ivy says that's the future of romantic relationships – completely open with no jealousy on either side."

"Uh huh," said Arleen, skeptically. "I can't see that catching on with Mom and Dad, for instance."

"Well, Mom's obsessive love for Dad can hardly be considered normal," retorted J.J. "Anyway, it would've saved a lotta trouble in that story," he said, nodding at the book. "If Helen of Troy had just told Menelaus that she just wasn't into him anymore, and he'd let her go with Paris, there probably wouldn't have been a ten year war. Which, by the way, is how long it feels like it takes to read that book."

"I think it's kinda romantic," said Arleen. "Starting a war over the one you love – at least it shows you really care."

"Now you're starting to sound like Mom," retorted J.J. "That's probably just the kinda thing she'd find romantic. Personally, the whole concept seems incredibly outdated to me."

"What, romance?" asked Arleen. "You get that from Dad."

"I'm just saying, today's modern, strong, independent women shouldn't want or need to fall back into dated stereotypes about being wooed," said J.J., shrugging.

"I think you're letting Aunt Ivy influence you more than she should," retorted Arleen. "She doesn't speak for all modern and strong women, you know. Shockingly enough, like any group of people, we all have individual tastes and ideas and preferences. And personally, I like a little romance."

"Have you told Damian?" asked J.J. "That's your problem with him – waiting for him to make the first move."

"I'm not waiting for that," snapped Arleen. "We're just friends."

"Sure," said J.J., rolling his eyes. "And me and Aunt Ivy are just family."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Arleen.

"Nothing," said J.J., hastily. "Anyway, here's a detailed plot summary. Sure you don't wanna cheat?"

"I'm sure," said Arleen, firmly. "I have principles."

"Well, as Dad always says, principles are for suckers," said J.J.

"You know, you don't have to take all of Dad's sayings as gospel," retorted Arleen. "I mean, do you want to turn out exactly like him?"

"I don't see why not," said J.J. "He's the greatest supercriminal in Gotham, and he's always happy. Seems like a pretty great role model to me."

"I'm not saying he's not a role model, just…don't you have the desire to…I dunno…kinda break outta his shadow?" asked Arleen, slowly. "And maybe…forge your own destiny?"

"I think I can forge my own destiny in Dad's shadow," said J.J., shrugging. "I'm not gonna be identical to him – see my belief in multiple relationships, for example. But his life has given us a pretty good springboard to live whatever life we wanna."

"Except maybe a non-criminal one," muttered Arleen.

"I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind if you wanted to try being one of the good guys for a while," said J.J. "But I'm betting you'll get bored pretty quick. Good guys are all a buncha boring sad sacks, everyone knows that."

"What about the guy in this book?" asked Arleen, holding it up. "The story may be boring, but he's not."

"Nor is he strictly a good guy," said J.J. "I'll say one thing for the Greeks – stories were better when your protagonists didn't have to be good people. You got a lotta interesting protagonists in Oedipus and Medea and Jason, for example, who were all horrible people. That's not even going into the stories of their gods, who were basically universally awful. But the stories are still entertaining, and frankly, that's what's missing in creative works today. Stories with horrible people at their core, who you nevertheless are interested in. Bad characters who are nevertheless compelling. Now everyone thinks all characters have gotta be role models of some sort. I think our good guy obsessed society just isn't ready for an irredeemably bad protagonist, sadly."

"Maybe," agreed Arleen. "Thank God we always had Dad telling us stories growing up – at least he made his protagonists interesting and not preachy, like every other kid's story ever."

"Shame he can't summarize this story for us with his own twist," sighed J.J. "But I doubt Dad's read it."

"You doubt Dad's read what?" asked the Joker, entering the room at that moment.

" _The Odyssey_ ," replied J.J., gesturing to the book he had tossed aside. "We're doing a thing on Homer in Lit class."

"Homer Simpson?" asked Joker.

"See?" sighed J.J. "No, Dad, it's an ancient Greek epic about a guy called Odysseus trying to get home after the Trojan War…"

"Oh yeah, that thing with the horse," said Joker, nodding. "You'd think the war would be the story, not the getting home."

"That's in the other epic by Homer, _The Illiad_ ," replied J.J. "This is kinda the sequel."

"Odysseus insults Poseidon, the God of the Sea, which is kinda stupid because he has to use the sea to get home," explained Arleen. "So Poseidon keeps crashing his ship and making it land on random islands inhabited by strange creatures, so with the ten year war and the ten year voyage, it actually takes him twenty years to get home."

"Seems like a bad move to insult him, but then again, the God of the Sea seems kinda petty, so maybe he had the insult coming," commented Joker. "Is this just one of those stories where everything could have been resolved easily by people just not being idiots?"

"Pretty much," agreed J.J. "But you can't say those stories aren't true to life, since most people are idiots."

"True," said Joker, nodding.

"Anyway, we have to read this whole thing, but it's kinda a slog to get through," said Arleen. "And J.J. was saying it's a shame you couldn't just tell us a version where you get the gist, but still make it fun, the way you used to do all your fun versions of stories when we were kids."

"Yeah, that would be cool," said Joker, nodding. "And an epic sounds like the perfect kinda story for the 200th. It's kinda epic that she's held on this long, after all - I honestly didn't think the kid would last ten stories. Not that I don't bear some credit for being fabulous and fun to write about."

"Who's she?" asked Arleen, confused. "You haven't told 200 stories, have you?"

"No, but the Greenleaf girl has…never mind, I'll tell you when you're older," said Joker, waving his hand. "Anyway, there's no reason why I couldn't take a stab at telling a version of this, assuming somebody can get the plot summary up on Wikipedia for me."

"Already done," said J.J., nodding at the screen.

"Look how handy that is – I love technology," said Joker. "It gives you the plot, and a list of themes found in the work. I wish we had this kinda stuff in my day – cheating in school would have been so much easier."

"See?" said J.J., sticking his tongue out at his sister.

"I told J.J. that sometimes it's better not to cheat on schoolwork," said Arleen.

"Well, yeah, if it's something important or useful it's good to learn it," said Joker, nodding. "Like chemistry so you can make Joker toxin. But English Lit? C'mon, it's the most useless subject out there. Analyzing books is gonna have zero real world applications or future uses, so it's kinda a waste of time. So why not cheat and do something fun with all your free time? Though I do admire your ethics, sweetness," he said, nodding at Arleen. "You certainly didn't get them from me."

"It's just something I'm experimenting with, ethics and morality and stuff," said Arleen, shrugging. "Probably won't last."

"Probably won't," muttered J.J., nodding. "Probably will pass along with the Batman crush."

"Shut up!" snapped Arleen, throwing her book at him. He ducked before it could hit him.

"How are you gonna read it now?" he demanded.

"Pipe down, you two, I'm trying to read here!" said Joker, who clearly hadn't heard as he was intently scanning the screen. "Yeah, there's lots here to work with," he said, nodding. "I mean, a guy encountering island after island of random weirdos really does lend itself to our friendship group…ooh, I know who that's gonna be!" he exclaimed, pointing excitedly. "It fits her to a T! Plus we already live in a world full of beings with god-like power – the superfreaks are a shoe-in for those gods. Most of 'em are just as stupid, selfish, and petty too."

"Puddin', can you not talk about people like that?" sighed Harley, entering the room. "You'll give the kiddies a bad attitude."

"I'm talking about the superfreaks," retorted Joker.

"Oh. Well, in that case, say what you want about those self-serving, self-righteous, bullying jerks," said Harley.

"I don't think Batman's as bad as the rest of them," said Arleen, lightly.

"From a certain point of view, he's the worst," retorted J.J. "You can kinda see why those with super powers might mistakenly believe they have a duty to help the less powerful, but an otherwise normal guy in a bat costume? What right does he have to elevate himself above the rest of humanity?"

"I don't know, but at least he isn't annoyingly flawless," retorted Arleen.

"Yeah, he's got a lot of flaws," agreed Joker. "But so do I, and people don't call me a hero. Although they will in this story!" he chuckled. "Gotta say, that'll be pretty epic, and make a nice change. I don't think I've ever been a hero before, and suddenly I'm a hero in both this and an actual comics series, which is also pretty epic..."

"You're telling a story, puddin'?" asked Harley, eagerly.

"Yep, _The Odyssey_ ," said Joker, nodding. "Or I guess that should be _Oddyssey_ if it features me and the Arkham freaks, huh?" he chuckled.

"Am I gonna be in it?" asked Harley.

"Of course, pooh – we all will be!" said Joker. "Apparently in the original story the hero only has a son, but we'll change it to a son and daughter in my version, just so no one's left out."

Arleen smiled. "Ok, Dad, you've convinced me," she said. "I'll listen to your version, and then read the plot summary on Wikipedia."

"That's my girl!" exclaimed Joker, kissing her cheek. "Principles are for suckers, after all. And my character is still gonna think that in this story, even though he's a hero. Now let's begin at the beginning, since nobody ever wants a prequel to anything. The setting: a kingdom in ancient Greece called Arkham, ruled by a guy named, surprisingly enough, the Joker, who has just received some very bad news that makes his normally beaming smile turn into a frown – because a guy from Troy stole a guy from Greece's wife, Greece has declared war on Troy, meaning the Joker's off to war, leaving his young family and his young wife behind. And as much as the Joker enjoys violence and killing people, the fact that he has to leave his family for such a stupid reason is a joke he doesn't appreciate…"


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you have to go?" asked Harleen, as she and her twin toddlers, Arleen and J.J., huddled together on the dock on an unusually cold and overcast day in Greece.

"I wish I didn't," sighed Joker, loading weapons and supplies onto the ship with his men. "It's the stupidest reason for declaring war on someone that I ever heard, and I include the whole Weapons of Mass Destruction thing. I dunno why this Bruce Wayne couldn't just keep it in his toga, or why this Lois Lane had to flee to Troy with him. Or why Lex Luthor had to take it personally that Bruce stole her and declare war on the whole kingdom. I bet she's not even that hot. Face that launched a thousand ships, my eye! I bet she ain't one tenth as hot as my Harley," he said, patting her cheek.

"I guess because Luthor lost his wife, he wants to make the rest of you suffer by leaving yours behind too," sighed Harleen. "So you can feel his pain or something."

"Yeah, he's a jerk," agreed Joker. "I'm seriously tempted to just write him back telling him the reasons why I think his wife left him, and where he can stick this war, but knowing Mr. Oversensitive Luthor, he'd just cancel the war on Troy and send all of his armies here instead. And I think my kiddies are still a little too young for war," he said, patting the twins on the head.

"Stay, Daddy," pleaded Arleen, gazing up at him with her big, blue eyes.

"Now princess, Daddy is gonna be home real soon," said Joker, picking her up. "But until then, I don't want you gloomy and crying. You gotta be smiling and happy, for my sake, and for your mother's sake. She's gonna need cheering up with me gone, and I'm sure no one can do a better job of that than my little jolly jester juniors. Right, J.J.?" he asked, turning to his son.

He nodded. "We'll try, Daddy," he said.

"Good," said Joker, ruffling his hair. "I don't wanna come home to hear that you've all been a buncha gloomy gusses. That's not the Joker way, and it doesn't uphold the Joker legacy. The people of Arkham are gonna need strong, smiling leadership in my absence, and I know my family is gonna do a great job of reigning down laughter until I come home."

"You promise you will come home?" asked Harleen, gazing at him with tears in her eyes.

Joker took her hands. "Hey," he said, tilting her chin up. "I promise. No matter what, no matter how long it takes or how many obstacles are put in my way, I'm gonna come home to you."

Harleen nodded, embracing him tightly. "And no matter how long it takes, I'll be here waiting for you," she whispered.

"That's my girl," he whispered, kissing her. "But you got nothing to worry about. When Brucie sees the whole Greek army coming, he's probably just gonna turn right around and give Lois back with an apology for all the trouble he's caused, Lexy and she can get some marriage counseling, and we'll all get to go home after having settled this ridiculous domestic dispute which is honestly none of our business."

"I'll pray to the gods that that will be the case," said Harleen, nodding.

"Oh, those jerks," muttered Joker. "Yeah, good luck with that. Those freaks don't care about no one and nothing but themselves."

"Puddin', you shouldn't speak ill of the gods like that," said Harleen, concerned. "They could hear you and vent their wrath on you."

"Look, the day I'm gonna live in fear of some skirt-wearing, super-powered nutjobs is the day I really have gone crazy," snapped Joker. "They abuse their power and they expect us to grovel in worship to them. No thank you, that's not for me."

"Puddin', please, keep your voice down," whispered Harleen. "I don't want them to target you…"

"And I told you, I ain't living in fear of them," retorted Joker. "Let 'em do their worst…"

He was cut off with a kiss. "With you about to go off to war, I don't wanna take any chances at offending them," Harleen murmured. "I love you so much, and I don't want anything to happen to you because of their crazy whims."

"Crazy whims is right," snorted Joker. "You know the rumor is they're responsible for this whole mess? Apparently Brucie was visited by three goddesses, one of whom promised him the love of the most beautiful woman in the world if he judged her as being the most beautiful goddess. So Brucie did, and that's why he had to have Lois. Again, I think the whole thing's crap, since I got the most beautiful woman in the world right here," he added, kissing her cheek. "But talk about your irresponsible uses of power! And all because they wanted some random guy to tell 'em they were the most beautiful? C'mon, ladies, you're goddesses – have a little self-esteem!"

"But see, their selfish and horrible competition has resulted in a major war," said Harleen. "Which is why you shouldn't insult them, and draw their attention onto you. Who knows what they could do?"

"I told you, I ain't afraid of anything they can do to me," retorted Joker.

"Well, I am," said Harleen. "So please be careful, puddin'. For my sake."

"I'll do my best, but I'm a pretty reckless guy, after all," he added, grinning at her.

"I wouldn't have you any other way," she murmured, smiling back and kissing him.

"All set, boss?" asked Rocco Demarco, the Joker's second in command, saluting. "We're packed up and ready to sail."

"Ok, I'll be on board in just a minute," said Joker.

Harleen threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly. "I love you," she whispered.

"And I love you," he said, kissing her again. "And I love you, and you," he said, bending down to kiss Arleen and J.J. "Now don't you worry about a thing. Daddy's gonna be home real soon."

"I hope you win the war, Daddy," said J.J.

"Oh, I will, J.J.!" chuckled Joker. "Everyone knows I'm the smartest man in Greece, and brains can outwit brawn any day of the week! And from what I've heard about Brucie, he's nothing but brawn. It'll be a piece of cake."

They all hugged again, and then Joker headed for the ship. "Remember, smiles and laughter!" he called back, waving at them. "And that goes for everyone on this ship – you may have a long way to row, but I wanna see smiles on those faces!"

"Puddin', wait!" exclaimed Harleen, racing to the edge of the dock as the ship pulled away. She removed a medallion from around her neck, handing it to him. "I had this painted for you, to remember us by," she said.

Joker looked down to see the medallion featured a painting of Harleen and the children, all smiling. "I don't need this to remember you," he said. "But I'm never gonna take it off," he added, placing it around his neck.

"I hope through it, we can protect you and keep you safe somehow," she murmured, tears in her eyes again as she held his hand until it slipped out of her grip. "Come back to me."

"I promise," he said, nodding. "Bye, Harley! Kiddies!" he called, waving at them. "Remember to smile!"

"It's hard leaving 'em, ain't it?" asked Rocco, watching as Joker waved to his family until they were out of sight. "Leaving my little girl is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"Yeah, but it won't be for long," said Joker, confidently.

"Are you sure?" asked Rocco. "Troy's a pretty prosperous kingdom – if we have to have a siege, it could take a long time for it to fall."

"Look, Lexy's marriage probably only had a year or so left in it anyway," said Joker, shrugging. "He's not gonna keep at a war for longer than his marriage would have lasted. That would be insane."

"Well, nobody could ever accuse Lex Luthor of being a particularly reasonable man," said Rocco. "Plus he holds a grudge when his pride has been wounded."

"Boy, tell me about it," muttered Joker. "You know I once asked him which god he had crossed to be cursed with the whole baldness thing, and he hasn't invited me to any of his birthday parties since. Not that I'd want to come to those – usually the gods show up, drink too much, and cause problems. The other year Superman and Batman got into a fight over something – gods knows what, I think it was their mother's name or something…"

"I take it Superman won that fight, being king of the gods?" asked Rocco.

"There were no winners – there never are with them," muttered Joker. "And now they've drawn us into this war. It's all right for them – they're immortal, and they all hate each other. They can't imagine that mortals might have things that are more important than their petty squabbles and ridiculous fights."

"I just hope some of 'em are on our side in this," sighed Rocco. "We'll have a hard time winning without 'em."

"Unfortunately," muttered Joker. He sighed, and then forced a smile. "But hey, I'm breaking my cardinal rule here. We should all remain cheerful and optimistic. No need to expect the worst, just because we're going off to fight in some stupid, pointless war. I'm telling ya, Roc, a positive attitude is the key to success. I'm sure we'll be home in no time."

 **Ten Years Later…**


	3. Chapter 3

"You know what the definition of insanity is?" asked the Joker, watching as yet another group of Greek soldiers attempted to scale the walls of Troy. "It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

"We're breaking their spirit, slowly but surely," retorted Lex Luthor, who stood next to him.

"Very, very slowly," commented Joker, as the Trojans appeared on top of the wall. "And here comes the boiling oil, right on cue," he said, nodding as the Trojans dumped buckets of burning liquid down onto the men climbing the ladder.

"Dammit, I thought they'd run out of boiling oil!" snapped Luthor, his eyes narrowing as the Greeks fell off the ladders, screaming in pain. "How much could they really have stockpiled in there?!"

"Probably enough for a couple more tries, but why not keep sending men up there anyway?" asked Joker, sarcastically.

"Do you have a better idea?" demanded Luthor.

"Anything is a better idea!" exclaimed Joker. "But you know what the best idea of all would be? It would be to give up this stupid war and get the hell outta here!"

"You mean flee like a coward?" demanded Luthor.

"No, I mean flee like a sensible human being!" retorted Joker. "Look, Lex, buddy, I know this whole thing is really personal for you, but take it from me, this kinda stuff is probably what really lost Lois for you in the first place. Women don't like clingy, and causing the death of thousands through a ten year war to get her back is really high on the clingy scale. Especially after she's basically said she's just not that into you by running off with another guy. I know you think you're defending your honor by fighting, but honestly, the best thing to do for both of you is just to let her go, move on, and rebuild your life with someone else. I know we haven't invented the concept of divorce yet, but I honestly think that's the best option here, cite irreconcilable differences and just write the whole thing off, no harm, no foul…"

"I will get her back, and I will raze Troy to the ground!" interrupted Luthor. "Not necessarily in that order!"

"But Lexy, think about it, after ten years, she might not be as hot anymore," said Joker. "Even with your baldness, don't you think a guy like you can do better?"

"Than the most beautiful woman in the world?" demanded Luthor. "How exactly can I do better?"

"Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder," said Joker. "And you don't know that she's objectively the most beautiful woman in the world, do you? I mean, who judges that? Besides Bruce Wayne…"

"The gods themselves declared her that," interrupted Luthor.

"Yeah…those freaks…not sure I'd really trust their opinion on anything," said Joker, slowly. "Anyway, I thought you hated Superman. So why would his opinion matter to you?"

"Because if the most beautiful woman in the world is mine, that means she isn't his," retorted Luthor. "So not only do I have the most beautiful woman in the world, but I've bested the king of the gods."

"And for a guy like you, the ego trip is too much to resist," sighed Joker. "So me talking sense really isn't gonna work, is it?"

"You can talk all you want – I'm going to send more men up the ladders," said Luthor. "They'll run out of boiling oil eventually."

"Great," said Joker, his smile looking distinctly forced. "Just great. Ok, good talk," he said, heading off towards the camp.

"How did the talk go?" asked Joker's fellow commander, Harvey Dent, standing up eagerly as Joker entered his tent. "Any luck with convincing him to call this off?"

"Well, I'm persuasive, Harv, but there's only so much I can do to talk sense into the insane," retorted Joker. "It was like talking to the brick wall he keeps sending the men up. And you know Lex – when he's put his mind to something, no one can talk him out of it. Plus this whole war is a massive form of compensation for him after metaphorically losing his manhood, so he's not likely to give that up in a hurry."

"So we're stuck here for gods knows how long," sighed Dent. "Maybe another decade. That's fantastic," he said, sitting down with his head in his hands. "As if Grace hasn't suffered enough waiting for me to come back for ten years."

"You think you got it rough – I'm missing my kids' teenage years," said Joker. "I mean, in some ways it's a blessing, but it's kinda cruel to leave Harley alone to handle all those hormones and stuff. At least you ain't got kids."

"Yeah, and after another ten years, Grace is gonna be past the time when we'll be able to have 'em," sighed Dent. "Wait until I tell her there's no end in sight – she's gonna kill me. She's already mad at me - she's ignored my past few letters home."

"I don't know how you cope – those are what's getting me through this," said Joker, heading over to his trunk and picking up several well-read and worn letters. "Did I tell you Leenie hit the bullseye ten times in a row in archery?"

"Yeah, you did," said Dent, nodding. "Several times."

"And did I tell you J.J.'s trying to invent some kinda bow that will automatically fire without having to be pulled back?" asked Joker.

"Also several times," said Dent. "You must be real proud of 'em."

"I am," said Joker, smiling as he felt the medallion around his neck. "And of Harley too – she must be doing a real good job with them."

"In some ways, the ones we leave behind are stronger than us," said Dent, nodding. "At least we have a war to distract ourselves with. Though it's not much of a distraction when you get to thinking about home. I never knew I could miss anyone as much as I miss Grace."

"Yeah, Lexy must be a more stoic man than us," sighed Joker. "You'd think after ten years he'd just give up and settle for any kinda female companionship."

"I think I might, should the offer present itself," retorted Dent.

"Not me," said Joker, shaking his head. "It wouldn't be the same without Harley. She's a special gal."

"Just as long as you don't start a ten year war for her and drag us all into it, I admire your loyal sentiment," retorted Dent. "But if you do, leave me the hell outta it."

"Well, I ain't that crazy, and Harley ain't disloyal," said Joker. "She's waiting for me faithfully back home. I know it."

"So's Grace," said Dent. "And I wouldn't really cheat on her – I ain't two-faced. It's just…ten years is a long time without it."

"She probably thinks so too," retorted Joker. "And Harley's a woman with a healthy libido – when I do get home eventually, she's gonna chain me to the bed."

He sighed. "And now I got that image to torture me. Gonna go for a walk – try and clear my head," he muttered. "Maybe I can think up a way to end this war sooner rather than later."

"I'll pray to the gods for that," said Dent.

"Don't waste your breath," muttered Joker, leaving the tent. "This is probably their fault somehow, stupid bunch of skirt-wearing sadists," he muttered, kicking at a stone as he headed out of the camp. "Half of 'em with the Trojans, half of 'em with us, and all equally powerful so it's utterly pointless for them to involve themselves. They should just stay on Mount Olympus and mind their own business, buncha useless, selfish, immortal idiots…"

"Who are you, to speak of the gods so?" asked a voice suddenly. Joker looked up to see a woman standing in front of him, the picture of strength and beauty, who looked at him with piercing eyes, her silver braceleted hands on her hips.

"I'm the Joker," retorted Joker. "And you are?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked, gesturing to herself.

"Not to me," retorted Joker. "Underwear Woman?"

"I am Diana of Themyscira, known to mortals as Wonder Woman," she replied. "Goddess of wisdom, beauty, and strength."

"Couldn't just pick one, huh?" asked Joker. "Well, it figures you'd be greedy if you're a god. Were you one of the goddesses involved in Brucie's little beauty contest?"

"I was," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "Although the foolish mortal unwisely named my sister Aphrodite the most beautiful, hence this war."

"Yeah, nothing like a buncha men killing each other over a woman's vanity," sighed Joker. "Quite the victory for feminism."

"You speak nonsense, mortal," retorted Wonder Woman. "But I admire your bravery in the face of an immortal – there is something about your defiance that I find very appealing."

"Flattered, but spoken for," retorted Joker. "Got a wife and kids at home I'm really keen to get back to, but can't, thanks to your beauty contest tantrum."

"Your wife's beauty cannot possibly compare to mine," replied Wonder Woman.

"Maybe not objectively, but I prefer it," retorted Joker. "Just a personal thing, but I'm a fan of blondes, and women who wear clothes in public. Not to degrade your personal style – if you wanna wear your underwear out in public, that's your choice. But don't expect me to go gaga over it, or you, just for flashing a bit of cleavage."

She smiled. "And still you are defiant," she murmured. "And I admire your loyalty. It is a rare quality in both mortals and immortals for one to be so faithful. You have impressed me, and I would like to reward you for doing so."

"Look, lady, what did I just say?" demanded Joker. "I ain't interested in you, physically or in any other way. So just beat it and leave me alone to think, huh?"

"I shall do better than that," said Wonder Woman. "You want a way to win this war so you can return to your family, and I shall give it to you. You must build a giant horse out of wood, hide inside of it, and present it to the Trojans as a gift. They will take it as a sign of their victory, bring it inside the gates of their city, and then you can spring out and slaughter them all."

Joker stared at her. "Really? They're really that gullible, that they're gonna fall for that?"

"It's been ten years of constant fighting – no one is really thinking clearly anymore," retorted Wonder Woman. "I promise you, it will work."

"I dunno," said Joker. "I mean, it's not as stupid as Lexy's keep sending men up the wall plan, but it's still pretty stupid…"

"Do you want to win this war or not?" demanded Wonder Woman.

"Of course I do," snapped Joker.

"Then trust me," retorted Wonder Woman. "I'm on your side. Anything that will wipe the smug smile off Bruce Wayne's face for choosing another woman…I mean…help the deserving men of Greece win this war," she corrected. "This isn't about my vanity, not one bit."

"Uh huh," said Joker, skeptically. "Well, if this works, you're certainly my favorite goddess, so that's some consolation. I might even slaughter a sheep for you, or whatever form of animal cruelty your worship demands."

"I am the goddess of wisdom, beauty, and strength," repeated Wonder Woman. "The only thing my worship demands is kindness and compassion for all living things."

"Which is why you're fighting a war, of course," said Joker, sarcastically. "Well, you got it, toots. From now on, I'll be full of nothing but kindness and compassion."

Wonder Woman smiled. "Then fare thee well, Joker," she said, raising her hand. In the blink of an eye, she had disappeared.

Joker removed his hand from behind his back and uncrossed his fingers. "Sucker," he chuckled, grinning to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

"You sure this is gonna work, J?" whispered Dent, as he, Joker, and a good portion of the Greek army huddled in the darkness of the wooden horse they had built.

"That's what the goddess told me," retorted Joker. "I'm not sure I trust her, but then again, I haven't got a better idea. And saying it came from a goddess seemed to sway Lex. He puts more faith in those super-powered weirdos than I do. Personally, I don't think the Trojans are this stupid. If they are, I'm gonna feel kinda embarrassed that it took us ten years to beat 'em. If they're idiots, what does that make us?"

"Who cares, as long as we're the winners?" asked Dent. "If this is our key to victory, we could be outta here tomorrow and home in a few weeks."

"I'm not getting my hopes up yet," retorted Joker. "For all I know, she coulda been the goddess of lies, tricks, and mischief. Though I can't help but think I woulda liked her a lot more if she was. Now pipe down – this will definitely never work if they hear us in here."

"Sir, the Greek army appears to have fled," said a voice from outside the horse. "And in its place, there appears to be this giant horse."

"Well, bring it in," said another voice. "Must be a good omen or something – left by the gods to celebrate our victory."

"Um…yes, sir," said the first voice, slowly. "I suppose…it could be that…but remember when we were warned by the Oracle to beware of Greeks bearing gifts?"

"Yes, but that's not a gift from the Greeks, is it?" demanded the second voice. "It's a giant wooden horse. So bring it in – we wouldn't want to offend the gods if it is from them."

"Shouldn't we at least examine it carefully to make sure it isn't a trick?" asked the first voice.

"Look, haven't you heard the expression never look a gift horse in the mouth?" demanded the second voice. "I'm sure that also includes wooden horses. So just do as you're told and bring it in, Alfred!"

The first voice sighed. "Very good, sir," it muttered.

"My gods, they really are that gullible," whispered Dent.

"What a buncha suckers," agreed Joker, nodding. "I feel more guilty and ashamed than anything else. Ten years we've been fighting these idiots, only for them to fall for this pathetic joke. It's gonna be like slaughtering babies – no challenge at all."

He sighed. "Oh well," he said, unsheathing his sword. "Let's get to it."

The Joker was too busy killing Trojans to pay attention to much more than his immediate surroundings, but he heard later that after Luthor had slain Bruce Wayne and attempted to recapture Lois, she had been snatched from him by Superman, king of the gods, who carried her off to Mount Olympus with him, which amused the Joker greatly. Luthor's wrath was sated by the blood of hundreds of Trojans, and his flag was raised over the battlements of Troy, conquered at last.

The Greeks were in no hurry to stay, however, eager to get home after a decade away. They immediately began preparing ships for departure, and the night before they were due to sail, held a great victory feast. There was a huge amount of drinking, and toasts of thanks were offered up to Wonder Woman, and to the Joker, for having won her favor. Joker was still uncomfortable at being associated with the gods, and brushed off these compliments, leaving the feast as quickly as he reasonably could. He walked along the beach alone, sipping from a wine flask and gazing out at the sea and stars, knowing his family were looking upon the very same and hoping for his swift return.

"I'll be home soon, I promise, baby," he murmured, touching his medallion. "Assuming that lamewad God of the Sea Aquaman doesn't decide it would be fun to send a storm or something."

"What did you call me?" asked a voice. Joker looked up to see a blonde man floating in the water, holding a trident, and dressed in what appeared to be green tights and an orange leotard.

"Yep, you look just as ridiculous in the flesh as you do in all your paintings," said Joker, taking another sip of wine. "I guess it's only appropriate that you have a look that compliments your powers – lame on both counts."

Aquaman scowled. "You would do well not to insult me, mortal," he snapped. "I can control the sea and all beings in it…"

"Yeah, what are you gonna do, throw a dolphin at me?" interrupted Joker. "You know, I've had just about enough of you people trying to intimidate us humans. Half of you were on the Trojans' side – they put their faith in you, and believed in you, and Wonder Woman goes and gives us a way to murder 'em all! It's just so petty and underhanded! And you're all like that! As much as I love Lexy being humiliated, you call making a guy fight for a girl for ten years only to steal her from him at the last minute justice? I call it a cruel joke, which would be hilarious if it came from me, but not from some super-powered creep! We're not just little toys for your own amusements, you selfish buncha immortal whackjobs! We got lives and feelings and things that are important to us! And yeah, we're gonna die someday, unlike you morons, but that doesn't make your lives more valuable than ours! If anything, ours are more precious because they're brief, while yours will just go on and on forever – think how depressing that is! You're stuck in that wet, cold dump of a sea you call your kingdom forever, with only petty squabbles with your fellow gods to entertain you. You're pathetic, and outta all the gods out there, you're especially pathetic, Waterworld. Your power is you can talk to fish – great, I bet they make fantastic conversationalists. At least the others have got x-ray vision or super strength, but yours is just so…lame. That's really the only word to describe you. Lame, lame, la…ow!" he shouted, as something hit him in the face. "You actually threw a dolphin at me?!" he demanded, batting the creature back into the water.

"I will be doing a lot worse than that to you," growled Aquaman, his hands gripping his trident in white-knuckled fury. "You will rue the day you spoke so to me. You, Joker of Arkham, will never return home. I will see to it that you are lost upon the waves forever, tossed from one island to another, until it pleases me to destroy you, and then I will drown you in the crushing waters of the deep. For this insult, you will never see your home or your family again. I, Aquaman, God of the Sea, swear this tonight."

"You know, it might be the wine talking, but do your worst!" shouted Joker. "I won't be bullied and intimidated by you, Fishboy! I swear to you, despite whatever you send at me, I will get home, and you'll still be lame! Even if you do succeed in killing me, that's always gonna be true! I'd rather be dead than be some fish-fraternizing, puddle-living, leotard-wearing lamewad forever – you got a fate worse than death, pal!"

"Silence!" shouted Aquaman, raising his trident.

"Yeah, throw another dolphin at me, c'mon!" shouted Joker. "You and your giant obvious-compensation-for-a-small-manhood fork there don't scare me one bit!"

Aquaman raised his trident, and then disappeared under the waves. "Yeah, you better run!" shouted Joker. "Or swim or whatever! Figures you'd be a coward as well as a…"

He trailed off as he noticed a giant tidal wave heading straight for him. Swearing, he raced away as fast as he could, but still managed to get drenched by the tip of the wave.

"Boss, what happened?" asked Rocco, as Joker reappeared back at the camp, dripping wet.

"Got into a fight with Aquaman," muttered Joker, wiping the seaweed from his eyes.

"You…got into a fight with Aquaman?" repeated Rocco, "When we gotta head out onto the sea, his domain, to get home tomorrow?"

"Probably not the smartest thing to do," agreed Joker. "But he needed to hear it. He is lame."

"Boss…you know I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do, but…maybe you should apologize?" suggested Rocco. "And try and appease him somehow?"

Joker snorted. "When the underworld freezes over! No, he can take my life, Roc, but he'll never take my dignity. Ow!" he exclaimed, turning around and suddenly removing a crab from his toga.

"Sure…boss," said Rocco, slowly. "But I got a very bad feeling about this."


	5. Chapter 5

"J, I really do think you should apologize to Aquaman," said Dent, as the ships prepared for departure the next morning. "You really shouldn't risk the wrath of a god, even if he's not in the top ten…"

"He's at the very bottom of 'em all, and I ain't apologizing!" interrupted Joker. "He's lower than that lantern guy, and he knows it! That's why this bothers him so much – he knows I'm right about him being lame!"

"All the same, I think getting home to your family is worth more than your pride…" began Dent.

"This isn't about my pride – it's about the truth!" snapped Joker. "And the truth is sacred, Harv! I know as a lawyer and a politician you can't be expected to understand that!"

"What?" asked Dent, puzzled. "What's a lawyer?"

"Never mind – the point is you can't silence the truth!" retorted Joker. "And no matter what Aquaman does, he won't silence me!"

"He will if he kills you," retorted Dent.

"Then I'll see you in the underworld, Harvey!" snapped Joker. "And I'll still be saying the same thing, mark my words!"

"Ok," sighed Dent. "I'm not gonna waste my time arguing with you and lose the tide. But should Aquaman be listening, I categorically do not share your opinion of him, and think his powers and abilities make him a very necessary and exceptional member of the pantheon of the gods," he added, loudly. "He is, in fact, my personal favorite."

"You are such a politician," retorted Joker. "No principles, just saying whatever crap the people in power wanna hear."

"Yes, and I'm going to get safely home to my wife," said Dent, nodding. "So principles are a price I'm prepared to pay. You can flip a coin to decide right and wrong for all I care, so long as I get home at last."

"Well, give Grace my regards," said Joker.

"And mine to Harley and your children, should you succeed in returning home," said Dent, shaking his hand. "I wish you well, Joker. And good luck. You're going to need it."

"Boss, can we do a small sacrifice to Aquaman?" asked Rocco, as Joker boarded his ship. "Just a little one?"

"No!" snapped Joker. "We're not going to appease him in any way! I meant what I said, and I'm not sorry!"

"Oh, you will be, Joker," murmured Aquaman from under the waves as the ship cast off. "You will be."

…

Hundreds of miles away across the sea, Harleen had received a message which brought tears of joy to her eyes. "Leenie, J.J.!" she called, racing out of her room in search of her children. "Fantastic news!"

She saw J.J. tinkering with some tools in the living room. "J.J., where's your sister?" she asked.

"I think out shooting things," replied J.J., not looking up. "That's what she's usually doing."

"Go find her at once!" exclaimed Harleen, beaming. "I have something wonderful to tell you both!"

"Is it about Dad?" asked J.J., looking up hopefully. "Is he coming home?"

"I'm not spoiling the surprise without your sister here," retorted Harleen.

"What surprise?" asked Arleen, entering the room with her bow slung over her shoulder.

"The war is over!" exclaimed Harleen, hugging her and then her brother. "Your father is coming home!"

"Oh my gods, I can't believe it!" exclaimed Arleen, bursting into happy tears.

"They won, I assume?" asked J.J.

"Yes, they defeated the Trojans soundly by hiding in a wooden horse," said Harleen. "Your father has written that the idea came from Wonder Woman, but was successful despite that."

"That sounds like Dad," said J.J., nodding.

"We should go pray to her in thanks," said Arleen. "And maybe sacrifice something to her."

"We will," said Harleen, nodding. "We should also pray for her to watch over your father on his journey home. He's written: _The victory means very little to me compared to the joy I feel when I think I'll soon be home surrounded by my loving family. Tell the kiddies they won't be getting away with murder once Daddy's home! And tell them I love them, and you, and can't wait to see your smiling faces greeting me as my ship comes into port. See you very soon! Love, J._ "

Harleen folded up the letter, and hugged her children again. "I can't sit still!" she exclaimed. "I just feel like bouncing off the walls! I need something to occupy myself with until he comes home or I'm just gonna drive myself crazy!"

"You could go out for daily target practice with me," said Arleen.

"Or help me out with designs for this new bow," said J.J.

"Nah, I ain't good with bows, either designing or shooting 'em," said Harleen, shaking her head. "That was always your father's thing. I mean, I can wield a pretty mean hammer, but I ain't one for range weapons. And I can't very well just spend the next few weeks smashing things with hammers."

"Why not? Some of those statues in the courtyard are pretty ugly," commented J.J.

"Yeah, but they'll be very valuable someday," said Harleen. "Probably."

"Only if you knock off the arms," retorted J.J.

"Maybe something more creative?" suggested Arleen. "Like writing or painting or sculpting statues of your own?"

"Or weaving," said Harleen. "I used to be pretty good at weaving tapestries. You remember the ones I made for your rooms?"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Yeah…they were…great, Mom," said J.J., slowly.

"You're lying to me – what was wrong with them?" demanded Harleen.

"Well, they just…y'know…kinda feel apart," said Arleen, slowly. "Within a few hours…I mean, who actually taught you to weave?"

"I taught myself," sniffed Harleen. "And they looked good while they lasted."

"I guess," said Arleen. "Were they meant to look like anything?"

"They were meant to be abstract!" snapped Harleen.

"I don't think we've invented that concept yet," said J.J. "I think at this point, we still just call it bad art."

"Well, who's to say naked statues are the height of art anyway?" demanded Harleen. "I'm gonna branch out and do my own thing, like all great artists! And if that means weaving flimsy, abstract tapestries, so be it! Honestly, when your father gets home, there's gonna be a lot less sarcasm in this house!"

"I doubt it," retorted J.J. "Dad's the most sarcastic of all of us. The only thing he's ever serious about is his hatred of the gods."

"Though it sounds like he got over that if he took advice from Wonder Woman," said Arleen. "Good for him. Sounds like he's turning over a new leaf."

"And just in time," agreed Harleen. "The last thing I want your father to do now that he's so close to getting home is getting on the wrong side of the gods, so they decide to torture him by never letting him get home. That would be the worst thing imaginable this close to the finish line. But your father's a smart guy – I'm sure he'd never let anything like that happen."


	6. Chapter 6

"See? Smooth sailing, just like I told you," said Joker, gesturing out at the calm, endless blue sea. "We'll be home in no time."

"I do admire your optimism, boss," commented Rocco. "But I gotta admit, the sea's quieter than I thought it would be. Maybe Aquaman's being the bigger man."

"Well, I'm sure that'd be a first for him," retorted Joker. "In every sense of that word."

"Boss, please, don't make it worse," begged Rocco. "If he's chosen to be a benevolent god, we should be grateful…"

Suddenly, the sky began to grow dark as black clouds rolled in, and the waves turned choppy, and began to grow in size. "Yeah, he's not being the bigger man," said Joker, slowly. "He's just making a bigger storm. Everyone hang on!" he shouted, as the waves began to pummel the side of the ship, knocking against the wood like a hammer against a nail. The ship was rocked from side to side, tossed about wildly in the wind and water. The waves crashed over them again and again, knocking them off their course and sending them out into the unknown. To Joker's mind, it felt like they were in a toy ship being played with by a particularly malicious child, determined to cause as much pain as possible for everyone onboard.

At last, the nauseating experience ended with a sickening crash, as the ship smashed into an island, dashing a huge hole in the hull and sending its occupants flying onto the sand. Joker sputtered, wiping the sand and water from his mouth as he looked upon the strange island.

"Where the underworld are we?" he asked, struggling to his feet.

"I dunno," said Rocco, looking around. "This doesn't look at all familiar. We're definitely not home."

"No kidding," retorted Joker, unsheathing his sword and nodding at the men. "C'mon. We're stuck here until we can repair the ship, so we'd better explore this place and see what supplies we can find."

They headed for what looked to be a thick forest just off the coast. As they went further and further into the trees, they saw that the forest was actually some sort of swamp. The sounds of strange animals surrounded them, and the air was close and wet.

"Boss, I got a bad feeling about this," whispered Rocco, looking around.

"Well, so do I, but we can't leave until we find something to fix the ship," said Joker, hacking at the overhanging foliage. "And at least a swamp has an ample and varied ecosystem. We can probably find some food…"

He trailed off as they noticed an island in the middle of the swamp, with a fence around it, and a huge flock of sheep inside. "See?" asked Joker, nodding at it. "Food. Just standing around waiting for us to slaughter it, which is handy."

As Joker approached the sheep with his sword drawn, they all began bleating. "Now calm down, sheeple – you won't feel a thing…" said Joker, raising the blade.

They suddenly heard a loud roar echoing around the swamp, making the ground beneath them shake. "What in the underworld is that?" gasped Rocco, looking around.

"There's something in the water!" shouted another soldier, as the swamp began rippling.

"It better not be Aquaman," muttered Joker, raising his blade again.

A giant monster burst from the water at that moment, half-crocodile and half-man, with huge, sharp teeth that were bared in fury as he glared at the men with burning rage in his cold, reptilian eyes.

"Who dares invade my island and attack my sheep?!" it growled.

"Hey, we didn't wanna be here, believe me," said Joker, keeping his blade raised. "But that loser Aquaman crashed our ship here, and we were just looking for some food and some way to fix it…"

"Aquaman?" repeated the monster. "Aquaman is my father."

"Oh. Awkward," said Joker, slowly. "I can't say I see the family resemblance...so wait, if he's your dad...what did your mom look like? Was she a crocodile? Did he...did he do a crocodile? I know the gods do that kinda thing – one of 'em turned into a swan to father a kid once, which really doesn't help my opinion of 'em as a buncha sick freaks…"

"Boss, stop insulting Aquaman!" snapped Rocco.

"Right, yeah, anyway, sorry we didn't ask your permission, but we didn't know anyone lived on this island," said Joker. "And now that we know, we can ask, as polite guests should. You feel like helping us out by letting us have one of your sheep, Crocky, old boy?"

"No," growled the monster. "I feel like eating you instead."

In an instant, he leaped at one of the soldiers, seizing him in his jaws and disappearing under the water. They heard the man's screams, suddenly silenced, as the water stained with blood.

"Ok, nobody panic!" shouted Joker, as they all leaped away from the water as fast as they could. "Just stay calm! He's just a giant, man-eating crocodile monster, nothing to be afraid of…"

Another man was seized and dragged under the water suddenly. "On second thought, panic might be appropriate," said Joker. "Run!" he shouted, as he and the men bolted away from the spot, further into the swamp. They had no idea where they were going, and could sense the monster swimming under the water, hunting them.

Suddenly, Joker saw a cave up ahead. "Quick, everyone in here!" he shouted.

"But boss, what if there's no way out of the cave?" asked Rocco.

"It's safer being stuck in there than out here with the man-eating crocodile man!" shouted Joker. "Now get in!"

They obeyed, and Joker noticed a giant boulder by the cave's entrance. "If we can move this, we can shut him out," he said, nodding at it. "So everyone put your back into it!"

Everyone did, but even their combined effort couldn't move the huge boulder. And the effort was proved moot anyway as the giant crocodile man suddenly stormed into the cave, and with limited effort, rolled the boulder shut, sealing them all inside.

"Puny humans," he growled. "Delicious, though. But no need to fill up right now – I should savor the banquet my father gave me," he added, grinning horribly to reveal all of his glistening sharp teeth, covered in blood.

"Nah, look at me, Crocky," said Joker, gesturing to himself. "All skin and bones! I wouldn't make a good meal, and neither would most of my men," he added, gesturing for Rocco to hide behind him. "Tell you what, you let us go, and we'll leave you and your sheep alone, and get off your island ASAP…"

"You will never leave this island," interrupted the monster. "I will devour you all in due course, but I will leave you for last, insolent one," he said, pointing at Joker. "What do they call you, the man who dares insult my father?"

"Me? I'm nobody. Nobody at all," said Joker, hastily. "Just trying to get home…"

"You will never get home," interrupted the monster again. "But you are all safe for tonight. I will be needing a big breakfast, however. It's the most important meal of the day."

He headed over to a mat in the corner and curled up, and was soon fast asleep. "Boss, we should kill it while it's sleeping," whispered Rocco.

"We could try," murmured Joker. "But I doubt our swords are gonna get through his scales. Besides, he'll wake up when he feels us attacking him and kill us anyway. And even if we did manage to kill him, we'd still be trapped in this cave - we can't move that boulder ourselves."

"There's gotta be something we can do!" exclaimed Rocco. "We can't just sit here waiting for him to wake up and eat us!"

Joker looked around the cave – embers of a small fire burned in a pit, and in the corner were several huge logs which Joker guessed the monster had made the sheep pen from. "I got an idea," he said, slowly. "But it ain't gonna be pretty. Sorta a PG-13 idea, and not suitable for kiddies of a nervous or sensitive disposition. Fortunately, my kiddies are over thirteen, and not nervous or sensitive, so it's all good. Let's get to work."


	7. Chapter 7

"How long do you think we have before he wakes up?" whispered Rocco.

"I dunno – I can't see the sky so I don't have any idea what time it is," retorted Joker. "Or how much time has passed. Or how long he likes to nap. Or if this is even gonna work. We just have to be ready, and remain vigilant."

Rocco nodded. "Boss…" he began, slowly. "You think…if we survive this and manage to get off this island…that you might consider…apologizing to Aquaman?"

"Look, even if I did, what we're about to do is really gonna tip him over the edge," snapped Joker. "This thing is his son, after all. If somebody did this to my son, I'd make them die slowly after a long and lingering torture. I mean, I guess Aquaman could always be a terrible father, just like he's a terrible everything else – that would seem to follow. But do you really think he's gonna forgive this just because I say I'm sorry for insulting him? I don't think even he's that irrational. He's gonna be even more pissed. We just have to hope the next island he strands us on doesn't have a man-eating crocodile on it."

"So we're just gonna…wander the sea in a futile effort to get home?" asked Rocco.

"Unless you'd just like to give up and die, and sacrifice yourself to feed the giant crocodile man, then yes," snapped Joker. "But I ain't giving up and dying, no matter what. I'm getting home eventually – I made a promise," he said, gently touching the medallion around his neck. "And I won't break it. The Joker is a man of his word. Except when he's joking – then he's not," he added. "But I wasn't joking when I promised Harley and the kids I'd come home. They're waiting for me, and they're not gonna wait in vain."

"Might have to be waiting a long time, though," said Rocco, gently.

"Even if they do, they won't give up on me," said Joker, firmly. "And I won't give up on getting back to them, no matter what happens."

At that moment, the crocodile monster stirred. "Ok, get ready, guys," whispered Joker. "Wait until he opens his eyes. The instant he does, it's gouging time."

There were men standing on either side of the crocodile monster with giant, sharpened stakes held between them, next to the creature's eyes. The moment its large, yellow eyes flicked open, Joker shouted, "Now! Gouge, gouge, gouge!"

The monster roared in pain as it was suddenly stabbed in both eyes. Blinded, it started up, thrashing in agony and hitting out with its claws and tail at anything within reach. Fortunately, Joker had ordered his men to instantly drop the stakes after gouging and to press themselves flat against the cave wall, and so avoided being hit by the monster. Roaring in pain and frustration, the monster seized the boulder blocking the cave entrance and threw it aside, racing out into the fresh air and diving into the swamp, hoping the water would soothe his wounds.

"All right, all of you, grab the rest of these planks and take them to the ship!" shouted Joker. "Begin repairs immediately – I'll distract the crocodile!"

"Boss, are you sure?" shouted back Rocco.

"It's an order, Roc!" shouted back Joker.

The monster emerged from the water again, still writhing and screaming in pain. "Hey, Crocky, over here!" called Joker. "Catch me if you can!"

The monster roared and chased the sound of his voice, as Joker led him away from the men racing toward the beach.

"You, what have you done?!" roared the monster. "What have you done?!"

"Croc, is that you?" shouted another voice. "Are you ok?"

"Crap, there are more of them!" gasped Joker, ducking behind a tree to hide. "How many times did you do a crocodile, Aquaman, you sick freak?!"

"No, I've been blinded!" cried Croc.

"Blinded? By whom?" asked the other crocodile monster.

"Nobody!" exclaimed Croc. "Nobody at all!"

There was silence. "What?" asked the other crocodile monster.

"Nobody has blinded me!" cried Croc.

And then Joker remembered that he had told the monster that he was nobody, and wondered if he could actually be that stupid that he had taken it literally. Apparently so.

"Well, if nobody has blinded you, I guess you're ok," retorted the other crocodile monster. "So stop screaming, would you? It's distracting me from my lamb breakfast."

"You don't understand! Nobody has blinded me!" repeated Croc.

"Geez, this is like an early 'Who's on First?' sketch," commented Joker. "Who knew the Greeks invented that routine?"

"If nobody has blinded you, what are you complaining about?" repeated the other crocodile monster.

"I'm complaining because nobody has blinded me!" cried Croc.

"Yeah, it kinda gets old fast. What a maroon," muttered Joker, carefully heading away from the interior of the island and back towards the beach. He saw his men hastily making repairs to the ship, and the instant it looked seaworthy, they all piled inside.

Suddenly, Croc emerged from the jungle with a roar. "Row faster!" shouted Joker, as Croc picked up a huge rock and flung it toward them. It missed, but Croc kept throwing rocks at them, roaring in pain and fury.

"I will have my revenge on you, Nobody!" he shouted. "My father will not let this insult go unavenged!"

"Yeah, he's gonna avenge you against nobody, huh?" shouted back Joker. "You stupid reptile! Of course that wasn't my real name!"

"Then what is it?" demanded Croc.

"Like I'd be stupid enough to tell you!" retorted Joker. "You think I'm as dumb as you, is that it? Nobody's as dumb as you, except for these rocks!"

"If you're saying nobody's as dumb as me, you're just insulting yourself, Nobody!" shouted back Croc, throwing another rock.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'll still never be as dumb as you!" retorted Joker.

"And they might sink your ship, boss – please stop taunting the crocodile monster," begged Rocco.

"Father!" cried Croc. "Father, make them suffer!"

"Oh, you're an idiot and a crybaby, huh?" shouted back Joker. "Typical crybaby, calling for Daddy because you can't fight your own battles! Well, since your Daddy's Aquaman, he ain't gonna be able to fight any battles for you, because he's lame! I'd be ashamed at having as pathetic a father as you do!"

"Only one man dares to insult me," said a voice. They all turned away from the island to see Aquaman floating in the water, glaring at them. "And now he has added injury to insult, Joker of Arkham."

"Look, your son tried to eat us!" snapped Joker. "You should have raised him better, and taught him it was impolite to eat company, as a good father should! Blinding him was self-defense!"

"It has sealed your fate, and killed any mercy I might have had toward you," murmured Aquaman. "You will travel many more lengths of my seas before I finally allow you to die, Joker of Arkham. Have a nice trip," he added, raising his trident and bringing it down into the water, and sending a tidal wave crashing over the ship as it was buffeted out into the open ocean again.

"Where are we headed now?" asked Rocco.

"I have no idea," replied Joker. "But wherever we end up, it can't be any worse than the man-eating crocodile island."

Once again, Joker's optimism was about to be disappointed.


	8. Chapter 8

"What in the underworld is this place?" asked Joker, as his eyes scanned the horizon of land in the distance. It appeared to be an archipelago of many islands all connected between various waterways.

"I think it's Prime Peninsula," said Rocco. "Home of the Flash, the God of Wind and Speed, and messenger to the gods."

"Oh great, I get to encounter another god," muttered Joker. "Hope this one isn't as touchy and humorless as Aquaman."

"From what I hear, the Flash has a great sense of humor," said Rocco. "He's always making wisecracks."

"Really? Then we should get along like a house on fire," said Joker. "Unless he's a friend of Aquaman's, of course. You never know which of these super-powered freaks are friends or foes at any given time – one moment they're trying to kill each other, the next they're best buddies because their moms had the same name."

"I guess alliances between immortals are fragile at best," said Rocco. "Since they live forever, they don't have much else to do but fight each other."

"There's probably some deep philosophical point there about the inherent violent nature of humanity and its inability to ever live in peace no matter how many centuries pass," commented Joker. "But who do I look like, Socrates?"

"No, you're taller than he was," said Rocco. "But he also didn't much care for the gods, if you recall, and was sentenced to death for his beliefs. And I imagine his poisoning was quicker and less painful than your punishment for insulting the gods."

"Yeah, but I ain't gonna die," retorted Joker. "I won't give Aquaman that pleasure, the sadistic freak."

"Just try to be nice to the Flash, please," begged Rocco, as their ship touched ground. "Maybe he can help smooth things over with Aquaman."

"If we can find him, I will be," said Joker, looking around at the bustling community in front of him. "But this place is packed. At least we can stock up on supplies in these busy markets. If we can get near the stalls, of course," he muttered, as people knocked against him. "Hey, buddy, have you seen the Flash?" he asked a nearby randomer with rainbow hair.

"No, but he should be zipping along at any moment," replied the man. "He likes to get his exercise by running around the island a few hundred times a day."

"That's good and healthy – he probably stays outta trouble that way, unlike the rest of those superfreaks," said Joker, nodding. "Good for him."

"Yeah, he's great," agreed the man. "Not at all like those other supernatural weirdos – he actually cares about the people in his city. We're kinda best friends, y'know."

Rocco was staring from Joker to the man. "Boss...he sounds exactly like you."

"Does he?" asked Joker, surprised. "I hadn't noticed. What's your name, pal?"

"I'm the Trickster of Prime Peninsula," said the man. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Joker of Arkham," replied Joker.

"The Joker of Arkham?" repeated a voice, as a man suddenly appeared by their side. He was dressed all in red, with a lightning bolt symbol on his chest, and that coupled with his constant zipping from place to place confirmed him as the Flash. "I've heard a lot about you," he said.

"Yeah, well, if it's from Aquaman, don't believe everything you hear," retorted Joker.

"No, it was actually from Wonder Woman," replied Flash. "She was full of nothing but praise - I think she's got a little crush on you."

"Well, the feeling's not mutual," retorted Joker.

"Why not? Doncha think she's hot?" asked Flash.

"If you're into that kinda thing, I guess," said Joker, shrugging. "She's a little too 'girl power' for my taste. Plus that whole immortal thing is a real turn-off – she's like, what, eight-hundred years old? You'd just keep thinking about that during the act – it'd creep me out. Plus I'm married and frankly, my wife is a lot hotter, and not eight-hundred years old. But, y'know, if you're into Wonder Woman, I change my opinion completely, since you probably have great taste…" he added, noticing the desperate look he was getting from Rocco.

"Nah, she wouldn't look twice at a guy like me," replied Flash. "She's all about Superman and Batman and those kinda guys."

"Hey, don't sell yourself short, buddy," said the Trickster, patting him on the back. "You're a catch for any gal. If Wonder Woman can't see that, then you're better off without her."

"Yeah, what he said," agreed Joker, nodding.

"You know, you two kinda sound alike," commented Flash.

"Yeah, so we've been told," said Joker. "Weird, huh? Though honestly it's not the weirdest thing to happen to me lately…"

"You can tell me all about it at my temple," said Flash, nodding toward a structure in the distance. "Just follow me!" he said, instantly disappearing as he darted off.

"He'll do that, but he'll come back for you," said the Trickster. "Or you can just follow me – I know the way."

Joker related the story of his adventures so far to the Flash, who had ordered a feast for him. The Trickster was also in attendance, and when Joker had finished his story at last, they both nodded sympathetically with him.

"Well, I agree with your opinion on Aquaman," said Flash. "We had a race once across the sea - I could actually run fast enough to run on water, but he cheated by getting his dolphins to attack me to slow me down. If getting you home is gonna make him angry, I'll help you out."

"See? Is my buddy Flash a benevolent god or what?" asked the Trickster, smiling at Joker.

"Yeah, he's great," agreed Joker. "Much better than the rest of those humorless jerks."

"Tell me about it," sighed Flash. "You know I've never seen Batman crack a smile? Though I guess I can't blame him for that, after where Superman stuck him. Out of all the gods, he's got the worst job and location, so I guess it's understandable that he's a little grumpy."

"At least he ain't lost on the seas trying to get home," retorted Joker. "He probably needs to get some perspective."

"Well, you won't be lost on the seas much longer," said Flash. "I've got a plan. As god of the winds, I'm going to put some winds in a bag, and you can go back on your ship, point your sails in the direction of home, and then release the wind to take you there. You should be home in no time – certainly too quickly for Aquaman to realize what's going on and stop you."

"You really think that's gonna work?" asked Joker. "I'm not doubting you – it just seems almost too easy, and kinda an anti-climax. I mean, I insulted a god repeatedly, and my punishment is gonna be one trial with a cannibal crocodile-man and then I'm home. It just sounds kinda too good to be true, especially in a supposedly epic narrative."

"Hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, haven't you ever heard that expression?" asked Trickster.

"Yeah, and the last time I heard it was in front of the gates of Troy," retorted Joker. "And then we sprang out of the gift horse and slaughtered everyone. So I'm a little wary of it now."

"Look, Joker, you have my word as a god, this'll work," said Flash. "You'll be home with your wife and kids before dinnertime, I guarantee it."

Joker inherently mistrusted gods, but he didn't have a lot of choice at this point. Plus Flash seemed genuine and sincere, and if the Trickster vouched for him, that was enough for Joker. If you couldn't trust a guy who sounded just like you, who could you trust?

And so they loaded a big bag full of wind onto the ship, and then lowered the sails, pointing them towards home. Once everyone was on board, Joker opened the bag, and the ship disappeared over the water like a shot.

"Hey, I just thought of something," said Trickster, who had come with Flash to the dock to wave them off. "How he's gonna stop?"

"Hmm…y'know, I didn't think about that," said Flash, slowly. "Geez, I hope he can. Or he's gonna overshoot his home and just keep going."

A few minutes later, on Arkham Island, Harleen looked up from the tapestry she was working on. "Did you kids hear that?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Arleen. "Sounds like the noise one of my arrows makes after I release it – sorta a swishing sound."

"And something else, which sounded kinda like a voice," said J.J.

"Yeah, it kinda sounded like your father's voice," said Harleen. "Saying words you kids aren't old enough to hear. Well, it's probably my imagination," she sighed, turning back to her tapestry. "Wishful thinking on my part, to hear his voice saying anything."

Meanwhile, Joker's ship had indeed zipped right past Arkham Island, and was now skidding over the water straight toward another. "We're gonna crash!" shouted Rocco, as the island came up fast.

"Brace yourselves!" shouted Joker, as the ship impacted with the land and shattered into several pieces. He and his men were thrown onto the beach, and Joker sat up slowly, wiping the sand off.

"The next time I see the Flash, remind me to punch him," he muttered. "That Trickster guy too – serves me right for trusting a guy called that, even if he does sound like me."

"Where are we now?" asked Rocco, looking around.

"I dunno," said Joker, checking to make sure his medallion was still safe. "But I'm really hoping it's not another island belonging to a god."

"Not unless there's a god of pigs," commented Rocco.

"Pigs?" repeated Joker. Rocco pointed, and Joker turned to see several wild pigs wallowing happily in a nearby mud pit.

"Well, at least we won't starve here," said Joker. "Looks like there's a lotta vegetation for them and us to eat too – I don't think I've ever seen so many plants."

"Yeah…weird looking ones," agreed Rocco, nervously.

"Well, hello there," purred a voice. Everyone looked up to see a woman standing in front of them, a very beautiful woman with a sultry smile. "Welcome to my island, gentlemen."

"Uh…thanks," said Joker, slowly. "And you are?"

"My name is Circe," she replied. "I get so lonely here on this island all by myself, and I do so love having visitors. Especially men," she added, with another smile. "Won't you follow me to my house where you can rest and eat? You must be tired and hungry from your long voyage."

"Actually, it was kinda a short voyage this time," commented Joker. "But sure, thanks. I mean, I just had a feast on Flash's island, so I'm kinda stuffed, but I'm sure the guys could eat."

"I hope you like meat," said Circe. "I don't serve anything else – there's no need to with all the pigs on this island, and I've developed quite a taste for their flesh."

"Yeah, pork's great," said Joker. "I think we can all agree there's no better food in the world than bacon."

His men all nodded as they entered Circe's home. It was covered in more of the strange plants, but the dining room was clean and tidy and laden with all manner of pork dishes – roast pork, suckling pig, and every variation imaginable.

"Please help yourself," said Circe, gesturing to it. The men needed no second bidding, digging into the bountiful feast with relish.

"So you…raise pigs?" asked Joker, as he took a seat next to Circe.

"Yes, in a manner of speaking," she agreed, nodding. "I cultivate them, but they do most of the work themselves."

"I guess nature does tend to take care of things like that," agreed Joker. "All you need is a male pig and a female pig…"

"All my pigs are male," interrupted Circe.

Joker stared at her. "Then…how do you breed them?" he asked, slowly. "This isn't one of those 'life will find a way' things that'll end with the pigs escaping and eating us all in some twisted theme park, is it?"

"Well, when you think about it, there are many similarities between a man and a pig," commented Circe. "Look at your men, stuffing their faces, just like animals. In fact, the similarities are so strong that all it takes is a few little herbs, and you can actually transform men into pigs. It's just a small step further in their evolution, after all. Or I guess that should be devolution," she added. "Men devolving into swine does seem like the natural order of things to me."

"Yeah…sure," said Joker, slowly.

"And men deserve to be pigs," continued Circe. "Fat, lazy, pathetic creatures who live in filth, and feed on junk. Sick, disgusting, primitive animals who know only how to take and take to satisfy their perverted appetites. They deserve to be slaughtered and devoured, all of them."

Circe had gradually dropped her inviting smile, and her face was now hard and cruel and angry. But she smiled again as one of the men suddenly choked, falling to his knees. "See how easily they transform?" she asked, as the man began to change shape, his body twisting as he grew hooves and a snout. "That's how I cultivate them – I just help men find their true form," she said, gesturing as another man fell to the ground, taking the shape of a pig, followed by another.

"Wait, what they've been eating…it's men you've turned into pigs?!" Joker demanded.

"Yes," said Circe, nodding. "And because they've eaten it, they will all transform, thanks to some herbs of my own invention. Plants are such miraculous creatures, aren't you, my precious?" she purred, as a vine slithered over to rub itself against her. "Sorry, I should have introduced myself properly," she said, smiling at Joker as the rest of his men transformed into pigs. "Circe was the name I was born with, but I prefer to be called Ivy. Poison Ivy."


	9. Chapter 9

"Ok, Miss…Poison or Ivy or whatever it is," said Joker, slowly. "Let's just calm down…"

"I am perfectly calm," replied Ivy, as her plants gathered about her. "Yes, go feast, babies," she purred, and the plants's mouths suddenly parted to reveal huge jaws filled with razor sharp teeth. The plants began chasing after the pigs, who squealed in panic and ran off.

"Do you plan on turning me into a pig too?" asked Joker.

"Maybe if you choose to be difficult," retorted Ivy.

"I don't often choose that – it just happens," retorted Joker. "Anyway, it's often not me choosing to be difficult – it's other people being jerks with their unreasonable demands like 'apologize for insulting me' or 'let me eat you,' or…"

"Make love to me," said Ivy.

"Yeah, or that," agreed Joker. "Although nobody's actually asked that of me yet…"

"I'm not asking – I'm ordering," retorted Ivy. "I don't ask men for things – I demand things from them. And I'm ordering you to make love to me."

"O…K…well, when you put it like that, it's…even more creepy," stammered Joker. He cleared his throat. "Um…look, toots, you're a very attractive woman with clearly a lotta…exciting powers, but…I'm kinda married, so…"

"You are the Joker of Arkham, aren't you?" she interrupted. "The hero of Troy, and the man Aquaman has sworn will never return home, and will keep torturing on the seas for decades before he finally allows you to die?"

"Yeah, but you can't trust a word that moron says," retorted Joker.

"Nevertheless, surely remaining here on my island as my love slave is a better fate than that," said Ivy.

"I dunno…again, no offense, toots, but at least I'm free out on the seas," said Joker. "I don't react well to being told what to do, and I'd rather die than be anyone's slave. Plus, like I said, married and all."

"You will never return home to your wife," retorted Ivy. "So your marriage vows are meaningless. If you stay with me, I will give you pleasures such as you have never known. My island is a paradise, filled with all the food you could want…"

"If you don't mind the fact that you're eating people who have been turned into pigs, of course," supplied Joker.

"Well, I suggest you don't mind that unless you want to starve," retorted Ivy. "You won't be eating my plants – they will kill you if you try."

"Or I could just kinda…repair my ship and get outta here," said Joker, backing slowly toward the door. "And I'll probably need a hand or two with that, so if you could just turn my crew back into men, we'll hop to it and be on our way…"

"I don't know how to make this clear to you," muttered Ivy, standing up. Several of her vines slithered over the doorway, blocking it. "You are on my island now," she murmured, approaching him. "And you will never leave it. I am mistress of all this domain, and now I am mistress of you. Your life as you knew it is over – you now live only to serve me, in any way I see fit," she growled, leaning forward.

The Joker had backed up as far as he could, and was now seized by the plants which pinned him against the door. "And you're going to make love to me," she whispered. "Now."

"Um…I'm not sure I can…perform with the…plants watching," he stammered. "And being restrained like this kinda…makes things difficult…plus the whole commanding me to do stuff is a real turn-off...ain't you ever heard of romance? Y'know, seduction?"

"You want me to seduce you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. She snapped her fingers, and the plants released him, slithering off. "Very well – I can't deny that I sometimes enjoy the slow and subtle burn of passion, the dance of desire, the game of cat and mouse before we surrender to our inhibitions. But you will surrender to me eventually – no man can resist Poison Ivy."

Joker immediately dashed from the room, running away from the building and out into the wild of the island. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him through the undergrowth, eventually emerging onto the beach. He raced over to the wreckage of his ship, hoping there was enough left to repair, when suddenly plant vines slithered over to the remaining timbers, crushing them into splinters. Joker looked around desperately for something else he could use as a raft, but there was nothing. He thought if he could climb a tree, he might be able to survey the island and see if there was some other way off it, but the instant he attempted to climb the tree, it shook him off. And everywhere he wandered, he was followed by plants, slithering along behind him and watching his every move.

Finally as evening fell, Joker sank down on the beach, watching the tide rising and falling. He felt the medallion around his neck and looked out over the waves, imagining his family. "I wish I was with you," he murmured. "Instead of trapped here with some sex-mad plant fetishist. But I swear to you, Harley baby, whatever happens, I will remain faithful to you. The Big J belongs only to you, and I won't stick it in anybody else." He frowned. "Y'know, that sounded a lot more romantic in my head," he said. "Just forget I said that. But if you can hear me, don't give up hope. I am coming back to you, somehow. I promise."

…

"Just hold on a second there, Dad," spoke up Arleen, breaking in on the story suddenly. "I'm willing to believe a lot of this, like Aunt Ivy turning men into pigs, but Aunt Ivy wanting to have sex with you is a little far-fetched, don't you think?"

"I don't see why," said J.J., lightly.

"Because she hates Dad's guts," retorted Arleen.

"That doesn't mean that she can't find him attractive though," said J.J. "Maybe her loathing of him all these years is because she's secretly very attracted to him. Or maybe she thinks someone very like him is physically attractive. I mean, women have weird tastes, right?"

"No weirder than the men who seem to find Aunt Ivy attractive," retorted Arleen.

"Aunt Ivy's objectively attractive," retorted J.J. "I'm sorry that you're blind."

"Well, I think Mr. J is objectively attractive too," spoke up Harley. "I've never understood Red not being attracted to him – how could any woman not be?" she sighed, stroking his hair back.

"Oh, she secretly wants me," agreed Joker, nodding. "All women do."

"But only one woman has you," retorted Harley, kissing him.

"Anyway, don't blame me for this," Joker continued. "I'm just basing this story off the Wikipedia plot summary, which says that not one, but two women trap Odysseus on an island and try to sleep with him. I've changed it to just one with Pammie, but the author of this clearly had a very high opinion of his main character. And so do I now that it's me."

"Well, I assume you're not going to give in to Aunt Ivy's charms," said Arleen.

"You tell me – I have to make the narrative believable, and is it really believable that I would ever give in to the plant witch, no matter how much she wanted me?" asked Joker. "She ain't as hot as she thinks she is."

"I think she's attractive," spoke up J.J.

"Yeah, if you like aggressive, dominating, heartless bitches," replied Joker.

"And some men do," said J.J. "Nothing wrong with that – variety is the spice of life. They shouldn't be blamed for who they think is attractive."

"I don't blame anyone for their thoughts, just their actions," replied Joker.

"Well, obviously there hasn't been any action between me and Aunt Ivy!" laughed J.J., a little too loudly. "What a ridiculous idea! Honestly, Dad, you do say the funniest things! Guess that's why they call you the Joker, huh?"

"Uh…yeah, thanks," said Joker, looking at him strangely. "Anyway, I'm getting back to the story before things get any weirder around here. At least fiction doesn't give me disturbing images."

"It's disturbing of me to think of you and Red together, Mr. J," said Harley, frowning suddenly. "I hadn't fully imagined it before, but I am now, and it just makes me angry."

"But also kinda hot, right?" asked Joker.

"No," retorted Harley, glaring at him. "Just angry. And not something that would ever happen."

"What if you were invited?" asked Joker.

"You're not funny, you know," retorted Harley.

"Now pooh, I'm only teasing," said Joker, ruffling her hair. "Anyway, it's just a story. Pammie would never really try to seduce me…"

"Yeah, she better not!" interrupted Harley, suddenly furious. "Because I'd kill her! I hope she knows that! I'd kill her!"

She pulled out her phone suddenly, and dialed a number.

"Hi, Harley," said Poison Ivy on the other end.

"You stay the hell away from him, you hear me?!" shrieked Harley.

"Stay the hell away from…" began Ivy, confused, and then her eyes widened. "Look, I dunno what he's told you, but there's nothing going on…"

"There'd better not be!" shrieked Harley. "He's my man, you hear me?! Mine! So keep your filthy weeds offa him!"

"Wait, you're talking about…J?" stammered Ivy.

"Of course I'm talking about Mr. J!" shrieked Harley. "Who else would I be talking about you staying away from?!"

"Nobody," said Ivy, hastily. "And of course I'll stay away from that repulsive clown. He's everything I hate about men in one man, and he disgusts me."

"He'd better!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, you got any plans for dinner tonight, Red?" she asked, her attitude instantly brightening. "You should come over."

"Yeah, that might be…fun," said Ivy. "Is…uh…J.J. around? He asked for some help with his…biology homework later."

"Yeah, he's here," said Harley, smiling at her son. "And aren't you such a good auntie to tutor him like that? See, I knew you'd grow to love the kids, Red."

"Uh…yeah," said Ivy, slowly. "Kids are…great…after a certain age…of consent. So anyway, I'll see you later," she added quickly. "Bye, Harley."

"Can I get back to the story now?" asked Joker.

"Yeah, but you should confiscate my phone before I rage dial Red again, in case anything happens in the story between you and her that makes me mad," said Harley, handing it to him.

"You sure you're gonna be ok if I continue with this?" asked Joker, studying her in concern.

"If you actually have sex with her in the story, then no," admitted Harley. "But otherwise yes. So, y'know, choose your narrative wisely."

"Noted," sighed Joker. "Never fails, in either fiction or reality," he muttered under his breath. "I'm always surrounded by lunatics."


	10. Chapter 10

"You have to eat sometime, you know," said Circe, otherwise known as Poison Ivy, as she smiled at Joker over the rim of her glass.

"For the last time, I am not playing Russian Roulette with my own crew," snapped Joker. "I'm not gonna have them turn back into men, and then for things to be awkward because I ate one of 'em!"

"They will never turn back into men," retorted Ivy. "They are now their true form. And they deserve to be a meal on my table," she added, removing the cover from a dish to reveal a suckling pig.

"Gee, I really hope that isn't Rocco," muttered Joker, examining it. "Probably a little thin to be him, though."

"You should eat," insisted Ivy. "Starving yourself to death out of mere stubbornness is not a fitting end for the hero of Troy. Besides, any other man in your position would be thrilled. I have spared you when I have transformed your crew, and you are on a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I have it on good authority that that's Lois of Troy," retorted Joker. "Apparently the gods declared her that and everything."

"Well, what do gods know?" retorted Ivy.

"At least we agree on something," said Joker, nodding.

"I think we probably agree on many things," said Ivy. "Like me, you have a low opinion of humanity."

"Unlike you, I don't think plants are somehow superior," retorted Joker. "Nor do I have a specific dislike for men."

"Perhaps if men had hurt you as they hurt me, you would," replied Ivy.

"Don't give me a sob story – that ain't gonna help with your attempted seduction," retorted Joker. "I have no pity and no sympathy, and some would say no heart."

"And yet you're very determined to return to this wife of yours," said Ivy. "And you show great loyalty to her. That shows some heart at least."

"You must have a really high opinion of yourself, toots, to think that if I wasn't married, I would instantly jump in the sack with you," said Joker. "Despite what you may believe, most men aren't ready to just get it on with a random woman with terrifying plant powers, no matter how attractive."

"You do yourself a disservice to compare yourself to other men," replied Ivy. "You are anything but a normal man, and a particularly exceptional one. That's why you are so fascinating to me. I don't keep just anyone trapped here."

"I'm flattered," said Joker, sarcastically. "And if this is your attempt at seduction, I'm not impressed."

"Mmm, I think you will be," murmured Ivy, smiling at him while she applied some lipstick. "I can be very, very persuasive."

"Yeah, putting on lipstick ain't gonna do it," retorted Joker.

"This is a very special kind of lipstick," she murmured. "Do you know anything about plant attraction?"

"Can't say that I do, having never been attracted to a plant," retorted Joker.

"Some of them use pheromones in order to entice what they want," continued Ivy. "They release them into the air, and it infects the object of their attraction, luring them so they are irresistibly drawn toward the plant. Well, I've done something similar with my own pheromone signature," she said, smiling. "Except mine's a lipstick that I spread on, which instantly begins releasing chemicals which can ensnare a man's brain and heart, and any other part of him I want," she purred, approaching him. "You should be feeling the effects of it just about now."

"Look, it's gonna take a lot more than some creepy plant chemicals to…" began Joker, but he trailed off suddenly.

"It's working, isn't it?" purred Ivy. "You're feeling inexplicably drawn toward me. Resisting me has suddenly become a very difficult thing to do, hasn't it?"

Joker said nothing, but she was correct. He was suddenly fixated on Ivy, and he began to notice just how attractive a woman she was. His brain felt like it was in a heavy fog, dull and slow, whose only preoccupation was Ivy, and how he could have her.

"Good boy," murmured Ivy, bending down to kiss him. "Now just relax and surrender to me…"

With a last burst of effort, Joker shoved her away, and bolted from the room. Every inch of his body was begging him to return to Ivy, but he still retained some sense of himself, and that sense told him to run as far away as possible from the plant witch.

But he still couldn't escape the island, he realized, as he reached the shore again. And if she kept wearing that lipstick, sooner or later, he was bound to give in.

"Need some help getting off?" asked a voice suddenly. Joker turned to see Wonder Woman standing on the beach. "Getting off the island, not anything funny," she added, smiling at him.

"Yeah, great, just what I need, another one of you nymphomaniac dames!" snapped Joker.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Wonder Woman.

"Sorry, it's just the last thing I wanna see right now is another woman who wants to sleep with me," said Joker. "I can barely shake one, let alone two."

"I don't want to sleep with you – I'm trying to help you get home to your wife," retorted Wonder Woman. "Just like I was when I helped you win the Trojan War."

"Yeah, well, that was a picnic compared to the pickle I'm in now," muttered Joker. "There's a crazy plant lady on this island who has magic powers that can turn men into pigs, and sex-obsessed fiends. Which I suppose is kinda similar…"

"Well, I actually didn't come here to help you with Ivy," interrupted Wonder Woman. "Although if you need some help with her, I'll oblige. She gives women a bad name – men and women shouldn't be enemies trying to punish each other. We should be allies in building a greater, more perfect world together as equals…"

"Yeah, that'll be the day," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, if you didn't come here to help me with the Plant Freak, what are you doing here?"

"I was visiting the underworld recently, and I came across someone who claims to be an old friend of yours," replied Wonder Woman. "Harvey Dent."

"Harvey?" repeated Joker. "Harvey's…dead?"

"Apparently so," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "He is a restless spirit – apparently his death was very sudden and very violent, and he cannot be at peace until someone living travels to the underworld and makes the necessary sacrifices to the God of Death on his behalf so that he may rest in peace. Otherwise he will remain a restless spirit for all eternity, wandering the shores of the River Styx forever, unable to cross over to his eternal rest."

"Well, that's…kinda crap for him," said Joker, slowly. "But I don't know what you expect me to do about it."

"As a living man, you have the power to perform this sacrifice for him, if you sail to the underworld and confront the God of Death yourself," said Wonder Woman.

"Look, I like Harvey – he's a good guy," said Joker. "But I got problems of my own. Even if I could get off this island, which I can't right now, what makes you think I could sail to the underworld when Aquaman crashes my ship every time I set sail?"

"The entrance to the underworld is not far," said Wonder Woman. "I could escort you there, to ensure Aquaman does not bother you. And once you are in the underworld, he will not dare trouble you – he is afraid of the God of Death. And assuming you leave the underworld, you can probably sneak out without him noticing. It will be a good way to lose his attention."

"Wait, what do you mean 'assuming I leave the underworld'?" repeated Joker.

"Well, not many who travel there do," replied Wonder Woman. "The God of Death is not usually a benevolent and merciful god, and he has the power to destroy whomever he sees fit. You may not leave his realm alive, and if you are not alive, you will not leave his realm at all."

"Uh...huh," said Joker, slowly. "Well, tell Harvey that I'm really sorry, but I just can't risk helping him out right now…"

"Yes, you will," interrupted Wonder Woman. "Or you will remain trapped on this island forever. I will help you subdue Ivy and leave here, but only if you travel to the underworld and help Harvey in return."

"Oh, why do you care about him?" demanded Joker.

"I don't," retorted Wonder Woman. "But I do care about justice. And leaving so great and mighty a warrior to a horrible fate is not just."

"Yeah, plus he ain't bad looking," retorted Joker. "That's probably it. I know women."

"He's dead, so nothing can really happen between us…" began Wonder Woman.

"Fine, if it gets me off this island with the Plant Nympho, I'll do anything," agreed Joker. "Even sail to the underworld and confront the stupid God of Death. He's gotta be less scary than the Plant Lady in a frisky mood anyway."

"Good," said Wonder Woman, smiling. "And now I will help you with Ivy. Here," she said, handing him a lasso.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" asked Joker.

"Tie her up," replied Wonder Woman.

"Really? That's your plan?" asked Joker. "Because she can control these plants which can probably untie her pretty quick…"

"My lasso is special," interrupted Wonder Woman. "Anyone tied up with it must obey the wielder of the lasso. And tell the truth. That's why it's called the Lasso of Truth."

"Catchy," commented Joker. "Ok, let's hope this works," he sighed, heading back toward Ivy's home. "Hey, sweetheart!" he called. "I'm finally ready to give in to you! But I'm a guy who enjoys a little kinkiness, so how about you let me tie you up?"

"I think I'd prefer to tie you up," said Ivy, appearing in front of him with a grin. "I prefer to be the dominant partner."

"I never would have guessed that," said Joker. "But trust me, toots, it'll be better with you tied up. We'll take turns, and next time you can be the dominant partner."

Ivy shrugged. "Ok," she said, holding out her wrists. Joker tied the lasso over them, and then pulled it tight.

"All right, now you listen to me, toots," he hissed. "You are gonna turn my crew back into men, and your plants are gonna rebuild our boat so we can get off this island. And then you're gonna seriously re-evaluate your life and your sweeping hatred of an entire gender. I mean, what's with the man-hating anyway?"

"I was hurt deeply by a man I'm still very much in love with," replied Ivy, clearly against her will. "So I use hatred to mask my own deep insecurity and fear that I'll never be loved again. I'm secretly very lonely and afraid of dying alone, which is why I keep random men as prisoners."

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Joker. "They say the truth will set you free, toots. But it won't, until you do the rest of what I told you to do. See, it's not nice to be ordered about, is it?" he asked with a grin.

"No," agreed Ivy. "But secretly I'm a little turned on."

Joker shook his head. "Nothing but freaks on these islands," he muttered. "Now get to changing the crew back."

"Boss, am I glad to see you!" exclaimed Rocco, when he had resumed his human form.

"Me too, Roc!" exclaimed Joker. "I'm real glad she didn't eat you – any idea who she did eat?"

"Probably no one important – like a nameless side character," said Rocco. "Wow, you got a new ship and everything!" he exclaimed, as they all boarded the craft the plants had built. "So where to?"

"The underworld," sighed Joker. "Unfortunately."

Rocco stared at him. "You wanna repeat that, boss?"

"We gotta go to the underworld, to help Harvey," retorted Joker. "It's not my first choice either, but agreeing to do it was the only way I could get off Plant Freak Island. If I tried double crossing Wonder Woman, she'd just kill me now and send me to the underworld anyway. At least I have a chance of getting out if I'm still alive."

"But…but boss…nobody ever leaves the underworld," said Rocco, slowly. "You know what the God of Death is like – he's crazy. He'll try and keep us there forever."

"If I was afraid of gods, I wouldn't be in this mess," retorted Joker. "And I ain't afraid of him. Don't worry, Roc – we'll get outta there and get home, I promise."

"But you know the stories about the underworld, boss," protested Rocco. "People spend eternity there doing the same things over and over until it drives them all insane."

"I know," sighed Joker. "But we don't have a choice. Set a course for Gotham."


	11. Chapter 11

"I know we all have to go through the Batcave someday when we die, but frankly, I was hoping to put it off for a good few more years," whispered Joker, as his ship sailed through the gaping, dark cave entrance in a bat shape that led to the underworld. "But in the end, there's no escaping Gotham."

"It's not so bad so far," said Rocco, trying to be optimistic. "Just dark…"

Suddenly, a loud growling noise emerged from the darkness, as a pair of red eyes opened and glared at them. "Oh no," gasped Rocco. "It's the Bat-dog."

"Nice poochie…" began Joker, holding out a hand, but quickly snatched it back as three giant dog heads appeared from the shadows, all snapping at it and barking loudly.

"Acerberus, down," commanded Wonder Woman, appearing in front of Joker with her shield drawn. "Let them pass."

The giant, three-headed dog growled, but fell back on its haunches in obedience. Its six red eyes still continued to glare at the ship as it sailed past them.

"Why is it called the Bat-dog when it has three heads?!" demanded Joker. "And why does it have three heads?!"

"It's called the Bat-dog because it's Batman's dog," retorted Wonder Woman. "As for the three heads, I have no idea. Maybe Batman bred him that way."

"I'm just saying, if you were a god like Batman is, which you are, you'd think you'd breed the Bat-dog to have batwings or something," snapped Joker. "This Batman's definitely missing a trick, and don't think I won't tell him that when I meet him."

"I would not do anything of the kind," said Wonder Woman. "Batman has no sense of humor. That's why Superman made him the God of Death and stuck him here in his own personal dark, depressing realm. The only thing that makes Batman even remotely happy is tormenting the souls sent to him – those stuck in between death and eternal peace, as your friend Harvey is, find their every effort foiled by the Batman. His pleasure is in disappointing the hopes of others, whatever they might be."

"Sounds like a real buzzkill," commented Joker. "What were you doing visiting him?"

Wonder Woman smiled. "He is also an excellent lover," she said. "And I am hoping my affair with him will anger Superman – he was my former lover until he spurned me for Lois of Troy, and now I am hoping to avenge myself upon him by making him jealous by becoming romantically involved with one of his biggest rivals. And trust me, he is very big."

"Ok, too much information," said Joker. "Who knew the Greeks invented soap operas too?" he muttered, to no one in particular.

The ship knocked against a shore, and they disembarked slowly to see a dark city sprawling out for miles ahead of them. They could see fires raging from somewhere far off, hundreds of bats flitting through the air, and thousands of gloomy, tormented-looking souls surrounding them, shuffling around with dead eyes and empty stares.

"How are we gonna find Harvey among all these dead people?" asked Joker.

"He's over there," said Wonder Woman, pointing to a figure who sat on the river's edge with his back to them. "Staring at his reflection."

"He's become a regular Narcissus after death, huh?" chuckled Joker, as he approached Harvey. "That was a funny joke if you know Greek mythology," he commented, again to no one in particular.

"Hiya, Harv! How's it…oh…wow…geez…uh…" stammered Joker slowly, as Harvey turned around to face him.

"It looks as bad as it feels, huh?" muttered Harvey, putting a hand up to touch his face. Half of it was his usual, handsome self, but half of it appeared to have been badly burned and horribly scarred.

"What in the underworld happened to you?" asked Joker.

Harvey smiled grimly. "This didn't happen in the underworld," he murmured. "It happened when I returned home from Troy. You remember I thought Grace was mad at me? Turns out I was right. Anyway, she wasn't just mad at me – she was planning to kill me with the help of her lover by throwing acid in my face. And they succeeded," he added. "But they didn't even perform the last rites on me – just threw my body into a ditch somewhere. So I can't ever be at peace, all because I made the mistake of falling in love with a horrible, treacherous, two-faced woman."

"Yeah, women, what are you gonna do?" asked Joker, forcing a smile. "Can't live with 'em, can't live…" He trailed off. "Anyway, don't you worry, Harv. I'll do these last rites for you."

"You're still alive?" asked Harvey, surprised. "I would have expected Aquaman to have killed you by now. And even if he didn't, I would have thought a similar thing would have happened to you on your return home."

"No, Harley's not an evil bitch," retorted Joker. "And anyway, I haven't got home to her yet."

"I'd definitely be expecting a similar reception from her when you get home, then," said Harvey.

"Actually, I'm sure she'll be overjoyed to see me," snapped Joker.

"She might pretend to be, and then kill you," muttered Harvey. "Women are all two-faced."

"Nah, you just got two-faces on the brain," said Joker, patting him on back. "In fact, I'm gonna nickname you that from now on. But Joker's here now, and he's gonna fix this. I'm gonna talk to Batman on your behalf, do this sacrifice thing for you, and get you crossing the River Styx to your eternal rest."

"Look, J, I really appreciate the offer, honestly," said Harvey. "But if you confront Batman, you're just going to be killed too. He's a monster with no pity and no mercy. And I'd feel guilty if I was in some way responsible for your death, and for depriving Harley of the pleasure of killing you."

"For the last time, she's not gonna kill me!" snapped Joker. "She's madly in love with me!"

"Maybe she was," agreed Harvey, nodding. "But women are incapable of maintaining those feelings. And after fifteen years of your absence, who can really blame her if she does move on?"

"What are you talking about, fifteen years?" demanded Joker. "I've only been gone ten and a bit…"

"No, I've been here for three years," said Harvey. "And the longer you remain here, the more time is passing."

"I'm afraid time has passed a little differently for you on Ivy's island," spoke up Wonder Woman. "And will pass differently here as well. Every hour you remain in the underworld will be a year in the mortal world."

"A year?" repeated Joker, incredulous. "You mean to tell me I've nearly been gone four more years at this point?"

"Yes," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "Soon to be five," she added.

"Oh my gods, they're probably wondering where on earth I could be back home!" exclaimed Joker. "Five years! They must have thought my ship crashed somehow, or that I'm stranded somewhere, or that…"

"You're dead," finished Harvey. "That's probably the most likely scenario in their minds, and the most likely scenario for the longer you remain here and wanna continue with this confronting Batman plan."

"No, the sooner I confront him, the sooner I can leave," muttered Joker. "And I'm not gonna waste another second, or day, or whatever that is in real time," he said, rounding on Wonder Woman. "Where is Batman?"

"Follow the sounds of the screams," said Wonder Woman, nodding out into the city. "And you'll find him."

"Don't forget the sacrifice, boss," said Rocco, handing him a box. "Good luck," he added.

Joker took a deep breath, and then headed away from the river and out into the eternal darkness of Gotham City.

…

"That's kinda a cool idea," commented Arleen, interrupting the story. "To think of Gotham City as being a place where people go when they die, like a kind of purgatory. What if that were true, and we're all actually dead? It would explain why everything is a never-ending, Sisyphean task here, and why you're doomed to repeat these endless cycles of crime and violence and fights with Batman."

"Spooky," agreed Joker, nodding. "But it's not true."

"How do you know?" asked J.J. "Philosophers have spent ages debating the nature of reality…"

"And they're idiots," finished Joker. "The truth is we're all characters in a story being written by someone else, and don't actually exist in reality at all. Now are you happy?"

"…no," said J.J., as he shared a worried look with his sister. "Just a little disturbed…"

"Fine, then I just made that up," said Joker. "Now can I get on with my story? You three feature next – we get to see how you're coping with my fifteen year absence. Lemme tell ya, Harley's got some suitors, because despite being middle-aged, as you can see, your mom is still a fox," he added, spanking Harley playfully.

"Thanks, puddin'," said Harley. "But those suitors must be pretty dumb to think I'd just get over my puddin', no matter how many years have passed."

"Oh, they're dumb all right," agreed Joker. "Let's meet them, shall we?"


	12. Chapter 12

Harleen of Arkham sat in her room as the sun rose, gazing at the tapestry partially woven on the loom in front of her. She sighed, running her fingers gently over the smiling face of the Joker staring back at her from the wool. "I miss you, puddin'," she whispered. "I know I've said that every day, but dealing with your absence hasn't gotten any better. In fact, it's gotten significantly worse, ever since the suitors came."

She shut her eyes and leaned her forehead against the tapestry. "But don't worry – I would never remarry even if you were dead. And I know you're not. I know you're still out there somewhere, trying to get home to us, just like you promised."

She sighed, turning to look at the sunrise with tired but hopeful eyes. "And I hope today's the day you come back," she murmured. "But until then, I have to wear a fake smile. But I will keep smiling, puddin'. For you."

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and left her bedroom. And was instantly surrounded by men. "Good morning, Harleen – how did you sleep?" asked Jonathan Crane, shoving a bouquet of flowers into her arms.

"Uh…fine…have you all…been here all night?" asked Harleen, looking around at the group of suitors in concern.

"Yes, waiting for you to awaken, like the sun, so that the day can begin," said Crane, nodding. "For you are my sunshine, Harleen…"

"That's not a compliment – that's calling her flammable and inhospitable!" interrupted another suitor, shoving Crane out of the way. "And she's been anything but inhospitable, letting us all stay in her house for free like this. Although I can't help but think she could extend her hospitality just a little more. What do you say, baby?" he asked, grinning at Harleen. "You, me, this bottle of wine, heading back into that bedroom, and shutting the door on the rest of these losers?"

"Get away from our mother, creep," growled a voice. Everyone turned to see Arleen and J.J. standing at the end of the hall, each holding a drawn bow. Arleen's was the traditional bow, while J.J.'s appeared to be some sort of mechanical contraption similar to a crossbow. But both the twins' faces were deadly serious as they kept the weapons pointed at the audacious suitor.

"It's Creeper, actually," retorted the suitor. "Not creep. And I didn't mean to offend – I just think your mother would appreciate some plain speaking from her suitors for once. She doesn't know which one of these guys is here because they genuinely love her, or if they just wanna be king of Arkham. I'm just letting her know that my motivation is purely physical – I don't care about ruling the kingdom, I just wanna be on that body like Icarus wanted to be on the sun. So hey, I guess your sun metaphor _was_ accurate, Johnny!"

"Well, that's…very flattering, and good to know, Creeper," said Harleen, slowly. "But as I've told you all repeatedly, I have no intention of remarrying…"

"Why not? Arkham needs a king, and you need a husband," retorted another suitor.

"Arkham has a king, and I have a husband," retorted Harleen. "And just because he's been away for a little while doesn't mean I'm just going to give his property away, which includes his kingdom and myself. And technically, you're still married too, Lex," she snapped, glaring at Lex Luthor, who had spoken.

"I'm not – my wife was stolen by the king of the gods after I fought a ten year war for her," retorted Luthor. "So we're no longer married. Anyway, I'm over her."

"Uh huh," said Harleen, skeptically. "Well, like I said, I _am_ still married, so really not interested in any of you…"

"Harleen, I don't mean to be insensitive, but your husband has been gone for fifteen years," said Crane, gently. "And five of those years have passed without any news of him. Don't you think if he was still alive, someone somewhere would have seen him?"

"There has been news…" began Harleen.

"Rumors are not news," said Crane. "And those rumors are too wild to be true – that he landed on some giant crocodile monster island…"

"I don't doubt the existence of such things, and neither should you," retorted Harleen. "And the rumor is he escaped and landed on Flash's island…"

"And no word has been heard of him since," finished Crane, nodding. "Besides, there are rumors Aquaman vowed he would never reach home, and die wandering the sea forever. I would not doubt the word of a god."

"I would, against Mr. J," retorted Harleen. "He's more determined than any super-powered freak, and he promised he'd return home to us. He will not break his promise to me, and I will not break my promise to him."

"Harleen, I don't think you understand your position," spoke up Luthor. "According to the laws of our land, your husband is legally dead. Whether he actually is or not is largely immaterial. Legally, he has abandoned you and his kingdom, and forfeited all rights to his property, which obviously includes you and his kingdom. And since the laws of our land also forbid a woman from single-handedly ruling a country, you must marry someone, and soon, or you will be removed from your place here. You have no choice in this matter, except which one of us you will marry. So I suggest you make it, before all choice is removed from you."

Harleen drew herself up. "You will not threaten me in my own home, Lex Luthor," she snapped. "I will not be forced into marrying anyone as long as my husband still lives. And he does still live. I will not be discussing this matter any further, and I suggest you all stop wasting your time here. Good morning, gentlemen," she said, shoving past them and heading down the hall.

"Ok, but I've got nothing better to do, so I'm gonna be hanging around here hoping you change your mind, baby!" called Creeper, hanging upside down from a column. "You don't even have to marry me if you don't want to – I'm up for something casual! Friends with benefits, anything like that! And I'm giving away free samples! Once you get a taste of the Creeper, you'll realize that he's a keeper!"

"Please let me shoot him," begged Arleen, keeping her bow fixed on the Creeper as her mother passed.

"Believe me, I'm tempted," agreed Harleen. "But your father wouldn't approve if there's no joke. And sadly there's no joke in killing someone that pathetic – the joke is in keeping them alive and making them suffer."

"The only ones suffering is us by their presence," muttered J.J., as he followed his mother and sister down the hall. "Dad wouldn't stand for it if he was here."

"They wouldn't be here if your father was here – that's the whole problem," sighed Harleen. "But he wouldn't stand for it, and I shouldn't either. I should have them all forcibly removed under pain of death, and don't think I'm not tempted to."

"Please, Mom, let me," begged J.J.

"Not if I do it first," said Arleen.

"Nobody is doing it, sadly," sighed Harleen. "There would be repercussions if I insulted any of these men. They are all very powerful in their own kingdoms – they could wage war if given insult. And we can't fight a war without your father or his army here."

"I'd wager Leenie and me against an army," said J.J. "Especially with my repeating bow."

"Your father wouldn't want you fighting," replied Harleen. "He'd never forgive me if he returned to find either of you hurt or killed. He loves you so much, and so do I," she murmured, hugging them both tightly. "No, we must be patient with the suitors, but firm. I am not marrying any of them."

"And won't that lead to war anyway?" asked Arleen. "If what Lex said is true, won't they try to remove you?"

Harleen nodded slowly. "Yes, they will…unless I can do what your father did, and outsmart my enemies."

She sat down on a balcony overlooking the sea. Arleen and J.J. looked at each other, and then J.J. cleared his throat. "Mom…how do you know Dad's still alive?"

She turned to look at them. "You don't think he is?" she asked.

"It's not that," said Arleen, shaking her head. "It's just…it's hard not to lose faith after so long. Don't you ever doubt that he's coming home?"

"No," replied Harleen. "I've never lost faith in your father, and I never will."

"It must be nice to be that certain," agreed J.J. "But Leenie and me…we can't help but feel…afraid."

Harleen studied her children. "If he was dead, I would know it," she murmured. "I would feel it, right here," she said, placing a hand over her heart. "There would be an emptiness there, a sense of loss, of something missing…but I don't feel that. I know he's alive, and I know he's out there, trying his hardest to get home to us. I know the gods think they've made it impossible for him, but he's not giving up. Your father will never stop fighting – that's just the kinda guy he is. That's why I love him."

She took their hands. "I swear to you, he is coming home someday," she murmured. "But until then, we all have to be strong. We have to fight the despair, and the nagging voice that tells us to give up hope. We have to fight, the way he's fighting. And I know you children are just like your father in that respect. You're both fighters. Not just with weapons, but where it matters," she said, putting their hands against their hearts. "Here. That's where fights are won. And here," she said, touching their foreheads. "That's where all the tools you need to win the fights come from."

Arleen and J.J. nodded. "What do you want us to do?" J. J. asked.

"Just be patient, for now," said Harleen. "I know waiting is the hardest thing in the world to do, but that's all we can do for now. Try to distract yourself somehow."

"You could teach us to weave, Mom," said Arleen.

"Oh, now you think my weaving's good, huh?" asked Harleen, smiling.

"It's improved in five years," agreed J.J., nodding.

"Well, I've had a lot of practice…" began Harleen, but she trailed off suddenly as an idea struck her. "The tapestry," she murmured. "That's it."

"What's it?" asked Arleen, confused.

"That's how I'm going to delay the suitors," said Harleen. "I'll tell them I'll make my decision about which one of them I'm going to marry as soon as the tapestry is completed. I'll say it's a metaphorical funeral shroud for my husband, and that once it's finished, I can lay his soul to rest and remarry. But every night, I'll just undo my work on the tapestry, little by little, so it will never be completed."

"Are they gonna buy that?" asked J.J.

"They're not the smartest guys, in case you hadn't noticed," retorted Harleen. "Probably all that noble inbreeding. Although I don't think even that explains Creeper. Anyway, they probably don't know how long it takes to weave a tapestry, so I can probably delay this thing for a few more years if necessary. Hopefully your father will be home before then, and everything will be back to normal…"

She trailed off with tears in her eyes. "Yeah, he will be, Mom," said Arleen, hugging her. "And I'd hate to be one of these suitors still hanging around when he does get back. Dad's never been particularly reasonable, especially where you're involved. He'll probably murder them all horribly for trying to get their hands on his property."

"That's true," agreed Harleen, smiling. "I'll just imagine him murdering Creeper to keep my spirits up. Thanks, kids," she said, hugging them both tightly. "Now why don't you both get breakfast while I get ready to deliver the news to the suitors."

They nodded, and headed off to the kitchen. Harleen looked out across the waves once more, hoping against hope that she would see a sail on the horizon. But she didn't see anything but the endless blue sea and sky.

She sighed heavily, turning away from the horizon and whispering, "Oh, puddin', where can you be?"


	13. Chapter 13

"Ok, let's try and remain calm," muttered Joker to himself, as he looked around at the ruined city full of souls in torment. "There's no need to panic just because I'm stuck in the Greek version of hell where every hour lasts a year, and trying to find a horrible, sadistic god to ask him if he'll do me a favor. What's so scary about that?"

He saw the figure of a man standing nearby, and approached him, clearing his throat. "Hey, buddy, have you seen Batman?"

The man instantly shape-shifted into a giant clay-monster. "If I do see him, I'm gonna kill him!" he growled. "He turned me into this clay freak! I was an actor when I was alive, and so here he condemns me to an infinite number of appearances and faces, never being able to reclaim my true form! And he'll die for what he's done!"

"Well, he's kinda a god, so really can't be killed…" began Joker.

"I have nothing else to do here but try – eternity is stretched out before me. Eternity as a freak!" roared the clay-monster.

"Hey, you don't look so bad," said Joker, encouragingly. "And maybe if you tried and unite with some of these other freaks here, you could take him down…"

"Wishful thinking – everyone's got their own problems here," snapped the clay-monster. "Mine is I can't stay in one form for any length of time!" he roared, as he transformed again. "It's the worst agony in the world, shape-shifting, but I can't stop!"

"So he's kinda a jerk, this Batman guy?" asked Joker, slowly. "Not the kinda guy to do a guy a favor if he asked, huh?"

"Favor?" repeated the clay-monster. "He'd never do anyone a favor, and he'll only torment you more if you get his attention! Like poor Freeze over there!" he said, pointing at a man who appeared to be frozen in a block of ice. "His wife crossed over the River Styx to eternity, but Batman refuses to let him cross since they could only pay for one. So he's stuck here forever in a block of ice, fully conscious, with his wife on the other side, doomed to be parted forever. And even if he could speak, he wouldn't ask Batman for the favor of crossing for free, since that would only make the whole situation worse!"

"How could the situation be worse for him, exactly?" asked Joker, slowly.

"If you can't imagine it, Batman can," retorted the clay-monster, as he transformed again with a cry.

Joker gulped. "Well…do you know where Batman is now?" he asked.

"I think he's in the labyrinth," said the clay-monster, nodding toward a twisting maze up ahead. "Riddler's trying to outsmart him again. That's his curse – he has to prove himself smarter than Batman by trying to stump him with an unsolvable riddle, but he never will, since Batman is actually smarter than he is. But Riddler will never realize it, so he's doomed to keep thinking up riddles forever. I guess that's worse than the constant shape-shifting and the frozen in ice, when you think about it."

He suddenly transformed again. "Or maybe not," he added, grimacing.

"Ok, thanks, Clayface," said Joker. "And I hope you get that shape-shifting under control soon. But seriously, you should all consider rising up against Batman together – he may be a god, but if he's outnumbered you could probably at least imprison him somewhere and threaten him with pain unless he stops tormenting you all. Anything to end his reign of tyranny here."

"If you're so smart, why don't you get us all to rise up against him?" demanded Clayface.

"Because I don't have the time – unlike you, I'm not stuck here for eternity, and have better things to do, like get home before hundreds of years pass and my entire family is dead!" retorted Joker. "But believe me, if I had nothing better to do, ending Batman's reign of terror in Gotham is exactly what I'd be doing! Maybe I will be doomed to that forever someday, who knows…" he muttered, heading off toward the labyrinth.

The entrance to the maze was flanked by two griffins who spouted fireballs. "Not a subtle guy, this Riddler," commented Joker.

"Welcome, mortal, to the Riddle of the Minotaur!" said an annoying voice. "I have currently trapped the god Batman in the center of this maze – if you think you are smarter than me and him, please enter and give it a try! But know that it will be your doom – no one outsmarts the Riddler!"

Joker took a deep breath. "Just entering the domain of a psychopath with delusions of grandeur – what's so scary about that?" he repeated. He reached into the box he had brought, which contained some food for a sacrifice, and crumbled up the bread, leaving a trail of crumbs to follow back as he navigated the twists and turns of the maze.

"Huh – losers ahead," he read on a wall as he made a turn. "Guess that's pointing the way to both Riddler and Batman…"

He had to duck suddenly as several blades shot out of the walls at neck level, nearly decapitating him. "Loses a head," he said, with a groan. "Is this guy the Riddler or the Purveyor of Terrible Puns?"

"Very good – you have passed the first trial, mortal," snapped the same voice. "But another lies ahead."

Joker turned another corner to see a door with three keys next to it, with the letters D, C, and A written on them. "Maybe it's D for door?" asked Joker, picking that one up. "Or wait, no! DC comics, which means the odd one out is A!" he exclaimed triumphantly, picking that one up and sticking it in the keyhole.

Three spears instantly shot themselves toward his head – he only just managed to duck in time. "Oh, c'mon, that's a great answer to this riddle!" he exclaimed.

"It's a nonsensical answer – what on earth is DC comics?" demanded the voice.

"I can't help that you're an idiot who doesn't know that, but the point is, it's a good answer to this riddle!" shouted Joker. "That's the problem with riddles – they can often have more than one answer, depending on your audience. Not like jokes, with only one punchline."

"Speaking of punchlines, try again," retorted the voice.

"Ok, this time I'm not gonna try to solve it, and just going with eeny meeny miny moe instead," snapped Joker. He did the rhyme, grabbed the key with C written on it, and unlocked the door.

"It's because in music, the key of A has three sharps, while the key of C…" began the voice.

"Nobody cares," interrupted Joker, slamming the door shut behind him. The room he had entered was completely empty save for a giant, gold minotaur statue in the center, which held a blade pointed downward toward a struggling figure.

"Are you Batman?" asked Joker.

"Obviously," snapped Batman, glaring up at him as he fought against the chains which bound him to the slab beneath the minotaur. "Who are you, mortal? And how did you get here while still living?"

"If you mean to the underworld, I had some help from your friend with benefits, Wonder Woman," retorted Joker. "And if you mean through the maze, it wasn't that difficult. I don't think this Riddler guy is nearly as smart as he thinks he is."

"No, he isn't," agreed Batman. "Although he has temporarily trapped me with this current riddle – if I guess wrong, the consequences will be very painful," he added, nodding up at the blade which was poised just over his crotch.

"Yeah, that'll certainly curtail your activities with Wonder Woman," commented Joker. He cleared his throat. "I could probably help you solve this riddle…in exchange for a little favor."

Batman glared up at him. "You dare ask a favor of me, mortal?" he growled. "Me, the God of Death, when the only favor I ever grant is the mercy of a quick end rather than a slow one?"

"Well, I think I kinda got the upper hand here," said Joker, shrugging. "I'd thank this Riddler guy if he wasn't so annoying, but he's inadvertently turned this whole situation to my favor. You're in a hard place you need to get out of, as am I. So you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours."

"I will not be blackmailed by a mortal!" shouted Batman. "And I will not grant you a favor! I will get out of here and kill you, and then condemn you to some unspeakable torment for all eternity…"

"What, you mean like getting stabbed in the cojones?" interrupted Joker. "That does sound pretty painful, even if you are a god. Sure you wanna risk it? I mean, I know you're immortal, but that doesn't mean you can't be horribly maimed forever, does it? How would you like to spend eternity missing your manhood? You think no one respects you now – wait until you're the only god who can't randomly impregnate mortals as you freaks are wont to do. Yes sir, living forever as half a man really seems like a fate worse than death to me…"

"What makes you think you even know the answer to this riddle?" demanded Batman.

"Because I'm pretty sure I'm smarter than this Riddler guy," retorted Joker. "What is the riddle anyway?"

The minotaur statue suddenly spoke. "I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscle, yet I rule two hemispheres. What am I?"

"Hmm…good one," said Joker, slowly.

"It is, isn't it?" said Riddler's voice, gleefully. "Only I am smart enough to answer it! Only my brain is powerful enough! I have finally done what no one in Gotham has ever been able to do – defeat the Batman! And with him trapped here forever, the reign of the Riddler will begin in Gotham! In order to pass on to eternity, a soul will be forced to answer a series of amusingly taxing challenges, each getting progressively more difficult, and finally unsolvable except for a genius such as myself, so no one will ever cross over to the other side! No one can ever defeat a mind such as mine, and people will forever fear and respect the name of the Riddler…"

"Got it!" interrupted Joker, snapping his fingers suddenly. "I just got it! You just gave away the answer to your own riddle, genius! How smart do you feel now?"

"I did nothing of the sort!" snapped Riddler. "You don't know the answer – you can't know the answer!"

"I do," retorted Joker. "But I ain't giving it to Batman until he promises to do this favor for me."

"If you think I trust you…" began Batman.

"You don't have a choice – you can trust me and possibly get outta here with your manhood intact, or you can not trust me and remain trapped forever, or lose your manhood," retorted Joker. "Either of those options are a lot worse than granting me this favor. But it's your choice, Bats. Which is more humiliating for you? Doing me a favor, or leaving here half a man?"

Batman growled. "Let me think," he muttered, glaring up at the minotaur.

"I don't have forever – I gotta get home to my family," said Joker. "So you'd better hurry up and decide before I just decide to leave."

"You wouldn't dare…" began Batman.

Joker shrugged and turned away. "It'll be easy heading back the way I came - I left a trail of breadcrumbs, and I know the answers to all the riddles…"

"All right!" snapped Batman. "All right – I'll grant you a damn favor if you get me out of this!"

"Pinky swear?" asked Joker, turning back to him and holding out his pinky. "Means you can't break it without cutting off your pinky, which is the only way I trust the word of a lying, cheating god."

"I can't get my arms out of this thing, so a verbal pact will have to do," retorted Batman. "I swear on my honor as Gotham's guardian, if you get me out of this in one piece, I will grant you one favor."

"I'm gonna trust that oath, only because I believe you actually are crazy enough to think of yourself as Gotham's guardian," said Joker, nodding. He looked up at the minotaur, and smiled. "The answer is the human brain. Riddler gave it away when he mentioned defeating a mind such as his. And actually it wasn't that challenging when you think about it – anyone with a brain could have figured it out."

The chains binding Batman instantly unlocked, as the minotaur removed his sword, kneeling down before Joker. "But…but you can't have figured it out," stammered Riddler. "You can't – you're not smart enough. No one is smart enough to defeat a mind such as mine…"

"Must sting to use that phrase now, huh?" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, we'll be seeing you – my pal Bats has a favor to grant me. Better luck next time, genius!" he laughed, as he headed back the way he had come with Batman trailing sulkily behind him, leaving the Riddler, as usual, alone and humiliated.


	14. Chapter 14

"So, Batman…where'd you get such a stupid name?" asked Joker, as they emerged from the Riddler's labyrinth. "Are you guys born with those weird monikers like Superman or Wonder Woman, or are you actually egotistical enough to pick 'em? I mean, I don't go around calling myself Awesome Joker…"

"Silence, mortal," interrupted Batman, his face grim and unsmiling. "I loathe idle chatter – speak your favor and then remove yourself from my presence and my realm, for now."

"Strong, silent type, huh?" asked Joker. "Well, far be it for me to waste such an important immortal's valuable time with small-talk. I'm in a hurry too – gotta get home before several more years just fly by. It's like this, Bats – my pal when he was alive, Harvey Dent, has been sent to this hellhole prematurely, after his wife murdered him by throwing acid in his face…"

"I will not grant him his life back again," interrupted Batman. "I do not have that power, and would not even if I could – it is too great a favor to disrupt the natural order."

"Woah, ok, first of all, that ain't the favor, second of all, you freaks disrupt the natural order all the time, and third of all, we didn't put limitations on this favor," snapped Joker. "That wasn't part of the deal, and frankly I think you owe me big when you think about what you could have lost. Although maybe it ain't that big," he added.

"You dare insult me, mortal?" demanded Batman. "Just who do you think you are?"

"I'm the Joker of Arkham," retorted Joker.

Batman stared at him. "The Joker of Arkham?" he repeated. "The mortal who insulted Aquaman, and who he has sworn to destroy?"

"And which he's been unable to do so far, yep," agreed Joker. "Because he's lame, and he knows it. I merely spoke the truth, but that's upset him for some reason."

"I must agree with your assessment of Aquaman," admitted Batman, reluctantly. "He is no friend of mine, and his power to communicate with sea creatures is not particularly impressive."

"Hey, at least he's got powers, am I right?" asked Joker. "All you seem to be able to do is torment dead people."

"And living people, if they ask for it," retorted Batman, glaring at him. "Just speak your favor and be gone, for I am sorely tempted."

"I want my pal Harvey to be able to cross the River Styx and find peace in eternity," said Joker. "But he doesn't have payment for the ferry, since he died without a proper burial. I was hoping you could let him cross for free."

"Cross the River Styx without payment?" demanded Batman. "Such a thing is unheard of. Deathstroke the ferryman would never allow it."

"I thought you were in charge here," retorted Joker. "Just tell this Deathstroke that you say it's ok, and he should obey your orders."

"He will not accept a passenger without payment," retorted Batman.

"Ok, well, maybe you can loan Harvey the money?" asked Joker. "You've gotta have some lying around here, right? Or can't you just create it out of air, being a god and all?"

"I don't have the power to conjure money out of thin air," retorted Batman.

"Told you you didn't have powers, didn't I?" said Joker. "What kind of pathetic god are you if you can't even do simple stuff like create money? I bet Superman can do it."

"I can do it!" snapped Batman. "Or I can command Deathstroke to let him cross without payment! Come on!" he roared, heading over to the river's edge. "Deathstroke!" he shouted. "I need you to ferry someone across!"

A boat appeared from the shadows of the bank opposite, being steered by a man in orange and black armor with one eyehole. "This mortal is not dead," he muttered, his one eye studying Joker.

"No, not him," replied Batman. "Harvey Dent."

"This ferryman requires payment," murmured Deathstroke. "Dent has no money to pay."

"Do it as a personal favor to me," replied Batman.

"This ferryman requires payment," repeated Deathstroke. "I must abide by the rules of my post."

"I made your post, and your rules!" snapped Batman. "And I'm telling you to make an exception!"

"There is no exception in the rule of order," replied Deathstroke. "Which I am bound by, under your orders."

"You know, I really don't have time for all this," snapped Joker. "I know you losers have eternity, but every minute I waste is like a month! Make him let Harvey cross!"

"I will!" shouted Batman, raising a fist. "Do it, Deathstroke, or I'll beat you to within an inch of your life!"

"I'm an incorporeal being, so nice try," retorted Deathstroke.

"Ok, here!" snapped Joker, shoving the box with the sacrifice at him. "I got some breadcrumbs and I think some honey and wine. How's that for payment?"

"I need monetary payment," retorted Deathstroke.

"Doesn't anybody in this useless underworld have money?" demanded Joker.

"It is the most rare and valuable commodity here for just such a reason," retorted Batman. "And I don't exactly horde it. But I know someone who did," he added, turning and striding off.

Joker sighed, following him, and before long, they arrived at what appeared to be a stately manor. "Bruce Wayne!" shouted Batman at the gates. "Open up right now!"

"Who's that?" asked a voice, as someone stuck their head out of the window of the mansion.

"It's Batman!" shouted Batman. "You died and were buried with a fortune – I need some of it!"

"Well, that's very interesting, isn't it?" retorted Bruce Wayne, smiling at him. "But I don't feel obligated to help you, oh mighty God of Death."

"If you don't, I will make your time here extremely unpleasant!" retorted Batman.

"You can try – I can cross the River Styx whenever I like," retorted Bruce Wayne. "I'm only here for the company – all the people on the other side are dull and respectable, while everyone here is crazy and desperate. My kinda crowd," he added, sipping a glass of champagne. "However, if you had something of value to offer me in exchange for some money, I might consider a trade."

"I'm a god!" shouted Batman. "I don't have anything of value because I am above such petty mortal trivialities!"

"And yet here you are begging me for money," retorted Bruce. "I suppose there's a lesson in there somewhere."

Batman growled, rounding on Joker. "Do you have anything of value?" he demanded.

"Well, I got these breadcrumbs and this honey and wine…" began Joker, opening up the box again.

"What about that?" interrupted Batman, nodding at the medallion around Joker's neck.

"That? That has personal value, but probably not a lotta objective value…" began Joker.

Batman ripped it off his neck, studying it closely. "It's got a gold border," he said. "This will do – we will trade it for a coin."

"Woah, woah, woah, we're gonna do no such thing!" snapped Joker, trying to grab it back. "First of all, trading something with gold in it for one coin is a terrible deal, and second of all, I'm not trading it for anything…"

"Sacrifices must be made in the underworld," snapped Batman. "This will be your sacrifice to help your friend."

"But shouldn't I be the one to make it voluntarily?" demanded Joker. "Which I don't, by the way…"

"You said you wanted to get out of here before more years pass!" snapped Batman. "Well, this is how you do it! Trade this to Bruce Wayne for the coin to pay Deathstroke and let Harvey Dent cross the River Styx, and you will be free to be on your way home to your family! Why would you need a trinket to remind yourself of them when you will see them soon enough? Make this sacrifice – it is the only sensible option."

"I'm really not sure a god who walks around in a bat costume is in a position to discuss sensible options," retorted Joker.

"Will you make this sacrifice or not?" demanded Batman.

Joker nodded slowly. "But I'm keeping the wine," he added. "I'm gonna need it," he muttered, as Batman held up the medallion.

"There's gold in this – I will trade you for one of your coins," he said.

"And what use would I have for a gold trinket?" asked Bruce. "I suppose it might go with one of my outfits – have Alfred bring it up," he said, as the door to the manor opened and an old man shuffled out. Batman handed the medallion to him, and a few moments later, Bruce was examining it.

"There are some annoying children on this – I suppose I can paint them out," he said. "I'll leave the woman though, as she's attractive. All right, we have a deal," he said. "Just wait a moment while I send Alfred to get a coin from my vault."

"We couldn't speed this whole process up, could we?" asked Joker. "Only I kinda wanna get outta here before another year passes…"

"Wait, I know you," said Bruce, his eyes narrowing suddenly. "You're the one who led the Greeks out of the horse to slaughter us all."

"Yeah…but in my defense, you were really gullible to fall for the whole horse thing…" began Joker.

"If my money is going to help this man, then I'm canceling the deal," interrupted Bruce, about to shut the window.

"No, it's not him you're helping…it's a friend of my friend," said Batman, hastily. "This clown is only here because…I'm going to torture him specially once I'm through here. Take that, clown!" he said, punching Joker suddenly.

"Boy, you are really pushing it, pal," growled Joker, rubbing his jaw. "So help me, after I'm dead, you are going down. And so is this Bruce Wayne guy – rich bastard using his wealth and power to take advantage of vulnerable people, it just ain't right."

"Here is your coin," said Alfred, as he emerged from the manor and placed a coin in Batman's hand. "It's scuffed on one side, but it should be enough for Deathstroke. Like a true mercenary, he doesn't complain about the condition of the payment as long as he gets it. And for the record, I was suspicious of the horse," he said, nodding at Joker. "But nobody listens to me."

"Thank you," growled Batman. "Now let's get this back to your… _my_ friend Harvey Dent," he corrected quickly.

"Here Harv, take this and get on the boat right now," said Joker, as he ran back to meet Dent and his crew on the shores of the River Styx.

"It's damaged on one side…" began Dent.

"Yeah, just like you, so it's perfect!" snapped Joker. "Now get in the boat so I can get outta here! I don't even know how many years it's been at this point!"

"Where is the boat?" asked Dent, looking around.

Joker growled in frustration. "Bats, where's the boat?" he shouted.

"It is appearing atmospherically from the mists on the far side of the shore…" began Batman, pointing.

"Yo, no time for atmosphere, hurry it up!" shouted Joker, beckoning at Deathstroke. "Row faster!"

"The crossing of the River Styx is a solemn and dignified moment, where a soul becomes one with eternity…" began Batman.

"Not right now, it ain't!" interrupted Joker, shoving Dent forward into the river. "There you go – go meet the boat! The water ain't that deep! Hapaya! Hapaya!"

"O…K…thanks, J," said Dent, as he waded through the river and climbed into the boat. "And…bye, everyone," he said, waving as he handed the coin to Deathstroke.

"Yeah, we'll really miss you, Harv – let's go!" snapped Joker, gesturing hurriedly toward his own boat. "Bye, Bats and Wonders – enjoy your affair purely to make Superman jealous, and see you on the other side!"

"Wait, what?" asked Batman, turning to Wonder Woman. "I thought this was real!"

"Joker, I'm not helping you anymore," snapped Wonder Woman, glaring at him as he sailed off.

"Suits me – I'm done with all you supernatural weirdos for hopefully a very, very long time!" called back Joker, waving. "See you in…uh oh," he said, as a familiar figure greeted him at the exit.

"Hi, Joker, remember me?" asked Aquaman, arms folded across his chest as he bobbed in the water.

"Uh…yeah," stammered Joker. "Look, it's probably been a lotta years now, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones over the whole insult thing…"

"I'm immortal, so I carry grudges forever," retorted Aquaman, holding up his trident. "And I meant what I said – you will never return home. Goodbye, Joker of Arkham," he said, plunging the trident into the water.

A giant wave instantly rose out of the sea. "Hang on, everyone – it's gonna be a bumpy ride," muttered Joker, sighing in resignation and preparing for another crash landing.

…

Jervis Tetch was collecting shells along the beach, keeping an eye out in particular for oyster shells as he recited a poem about a walrus and a carpenter to himself that hadn't been written yet.

He was shocked out of his reverie by a huge wave suddenly crashing onto the beach, carrying a ship with it. "Oh dear," he said, as men crawled out from the wreckage. Tetch raced over to help them. "Are you ok there?" he asked.

"My ship just crashed onto a beach – what do you think?" demanded the Joker, pulling himself up and wiping the sand off.

"But no bones are broken or anything, I trust?" asked Tetch. "I'm not a physician, but we do have them on the island in case anyone needs medical attention…"

"I think we're good – it's not the first time this has happened," retorted Joker. "Where are we now?"

"This is the island of Diathens, a place of knowledge and learning, devoted to the goddess of wisdom, Diana of Themyscira, also known as Wonder Woman," replied Tetch.

"Oh yeah, I just left her in the underworld with Batman," said Joker, nodding. "She's a pal, which means you gotta help me out, right?"

"Yes, of course," said Tetch, nodding. "I will do whatever I can, but mind you, I am only steward of Diathens while the king is away. Jervis Tetch, at your service," he said, removing his hat.

"Yeah, pleased to meetcha," said Joker. "So where'd your king go?"

"King Jonathan Crane is away in Arkham," replied Tetch.

"Oh yeah? What's he doing there?" asked Joker.

"He is attempting to woo the queen of Arkham, Harleen, for his bride," replied Tetch.

Joker's eyebrows narrowed. "Well, he can't do that, since she's married and all," he growled.

"Her husband has been missing for twenty years," replied Tetch. "Therefore he is legally considered deceased."

"Twenty years!" shouted Joker. "Were we really in the underworld for five hours?! Damn Riddler and his maze and Batman and Bruce Wayne and Deathstroke and everyone else who made me waste all that time! Thanks to them, everyone thinks I'm dead!"

"You mean…you're…" stammered Tetch.

"Yes, I'm the Joker of Arkham!" snapped Joker. "And I suggest you go write to your king and tell him to get his ass back to his own island and leave my property alone, because I'm coming home to claim her, just as soon as I get off his goddamn island! Speaking of which, I'm gonna need to repair my ship – you got anyone who can do that?"

"Y…yes, I'm sure we can find someone," said Tetch, slowly. "Why don't you gentlemen follow me to the palace, and let me get you some food while I write to Jonathan?"

"You're not gonna turn us into pigs, are you?" spoke up Rocco.

"Um…no," said Tetch, slowly. "Why would you think…"

"I'm just a little wary of free food since Ivy's island," explained Rocco.

"That's good, Roc – you'll lose weight that way," retorted Joker. "So where's this palace?"

"This way, gentlemen," said Tetch, leading them away from the beach. "Jonathan is not going to be happy to receive this news," he muttered to himself, frowning. "Not happy at all."


	15. Chapter 15

"Is Harleen up yet?" asked Jonathan Crane, as he arrived at his usual post by her bedroom door.

"Do you think we'd all be standing here if she were?" demanded Luthor. "We've been doing this routine every day for six years now!"

"Yes, you'd think some of you might give up," added Crane, pointedly.

Luthor snorted. "I fought a ten year war for the last woman I wanted. This is nothing."

"I think you have commitment issues, Lex, but not in the way people normally think of commitment issues," spoke up Creeper. "As in you are way, way too committed in a kinda creepy, stalker-ish way."

"Are you really in a position to call other people creepy?" asked Luthor.

Creeper shrugged. "Takes one to know one," he replied.

"Well, I'm not flighty and insane, like some people here," agreed Luthor.

"Some would say the very definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results," retorted Crane.

"And so what does that make you, Professor?" demanded Luthor.

"King of Diathens, actually," retorted Crane. "I know we're not as warlike as you folks over in Metrosparta, but some would say that brain is mightier than brawn."

"This is Metrosparta!" shouted Creeper, referencing a film that hadn't been made yet. "What?" he asked, noticing the looks he was getting. "Anybody wanna come over here so I can kick them into a well?"

"Some would say that I have both brains and brawn," retorted Luthor, ignoring him and turning back to Crane. "While you appear to be in possession of only one, and not very much of one, judging by your progress with Harleen."

"I've made more progress than you!" snapped Crane. "In fact, I'm fairly certain that once her shroud for her husband is completed, she will be announcing our engagement! Why would she pick a man with mediocre brawn, mediocre brain, and no hair instead?"

"Yeah, at least I got hair," agreed Creeper.

"And literally nothing else going for you!" snapped Luthor. "Look, you all are idiots, and you might as well give up, because when Harleen announces her engagement, it's going to be to me! Metrosparta is a much, much better kingdom than Diathens – there's actually things to do there, rather than just a bunch of dusty libraries and boring museums."

"Harleen likes libraries and museums!" snapped Crane. "She has remarked several times how much she enjoys reading! I know a man of limited intelligence can't understand how reading might be enjoyable, but you and Harleen are not suitably matched in that or any other respect. You might as well just give up now."

"I don't give up!" shouted Luthor.

"Well, neither do I," agreed Crane.

"I do, but I honestly don't have anything better to do," said Creeper, nodding.

"Good morning, gentlemen," said Harleen, leaving her room at that moment.

"Harleen, how is the shroud coming along?" asked Luthor, as she was immediately surrounded by suitors.

"Slowly and steadily," replied Harleen. "But sadly it is still not completed. I am very sorry to keep disappointing you gentlemen, but it is a very difficult thing to weave, physically and emotionally…"

"Of course, your husband's death must still be raw," said Crane, sympathetically. "Perhaps a stroll round the gardens might help things feel a bit brighter?"

Harleen hoped her smile didn't look too forced. "All right," she said, taking Crane's extended arm. He smiled smugly at his rivals as he led her off to the gardens.

Harleen cleared her throat. "I don't suppose…any of you are…considering returning to your homes anytime soon?"

"I think we all believe that we couldn't possibly abandon you at this difficult time," replied Crane. "It must be so very trying for you."

"Yes, it is," agreed Harleen, pointedly.

"Of course having the children around must help, but still, twenty years must seem like a very long time without male companionship," continued Crane.

"Well, it's certainly a long time without Mr. J," agreed Harleen. "And he's really the only male companion I want."

"How sad then that he is deceased," sighed Crane.

"Presumed deceased," corrected Harleen. "In my heart of hearts…I believe he's still out there somewhere, fighting to get home to us."

"That is very idealistic, my dear, and very sweet," agreed Crane. "But we must be realistic and face facts. Twenty years, with no word from him during the last ten…I mean, it's highly, highly unlikely that he's still alive. And of course I admire your loyalty, but really, there comes a time when loyalty and unfounded optimism begins to look like foolishness in the face of reality. And we must accept reality, as harsh and unpleasant as it can be sometimes."

"Maybe," agreed Harleen, gazing out at the sea. "Although that's not what Mr. J would say."

Crane cleared his throat. "If it's not too forward of me, may I ask…are there any candidates you are seriously considering to…replace your husband?"

"Replace my husband?" repeated Harleen, turning to him. "Is that what you all think you're going to do?"

"Forgive me, that was indelicate," said Crane. "I meant of course replace him only in terms of fulfilling his duties toward this kingdom and his duties toward you. I know none of us could ever take his place in your heart, nor would we wish to."

"Just his place as king of Arkham, and his place in my bedchamber, is that it?" asked Harleen.

"I should think both of those would ease your burden, both mentally and physically," replied Crane. "And what else is a husband for?"

Harleen forced another smile. "You are the most loquacious of all my suitors, Jonathan," she said. "Make of that what you will. Good morning," she said, removing her arm from his and heading off to breakfast.

Crane took it as a compliment, and was in high spirits as he headed toward his chambers. He was intercepted by a messenger. "My lord, a report from the steward of Diathens," he said, handing Crane a sealed scroll.

"Excellent, thank you," said Crane. "I wonder what news Jervis has…"

He trailed off as he read the missive, his mouth falling open in astonishment. "N…no," he stammered, rereading it. "No, it's not possible…"

His shock soon turned to fury. "No, it is _not_ possible," he repeated, crushing the note in his hand.

"Jonathan, where are you going?" demanded Luthor, as Crane stormed past the other suitors, heading toward the palace gates.

"Home," retorted Crane, simply.

"You're giving up?" asked Luthor, surprised.

"All right, one down, a hundred and seven more to go!" exclaimed Creeper. "Gimme five!" he said, raising his hand to Luthor.

"I'm not giving up!" snapped Crane. "But a...situation has arisen in Diathens...an emergency, in fact, and I really need to be there to see to it personally and…put an end to it," he muttered, his eyes burning in rage as his hand tightened on his sword. "But mark my words, I _will_ put an end to it. For good."


	16. Chapter 16

"You know, outta all the places we've landed, this is the worst," commented the Joker. "No offense to you, Tetchy – you're doing your best to be a good host," he said, nodding at Tetch. "But gods, this is a boring island. On most of the others, we were fighting for our lives encountering some monster or other. There was danger and excitement and intrigue. While here…well, you got your library," he said, gesturing out the window. "And it's got…a lotta books. But in terms of stuff to do on this island…I mean, is there even a bar?"

"There's a tea room," replied Tetch.

"Does it serve wine?" asked Rocco.

"It serves tea," replied Tetch. "And scones. And various cakes."

"What in the underworld is a scone?" asked Joker. "Never mind – I don't care enough to find out," he interrupted, as Tetch opened his mouth. "I mean, this place is probably a paradise for nerds, but if you're not a nerd, it's basically the dullest place on earth. I'd rather die being eaten by a giant crocodile man than of boredom. So how long do you think it's gonna take for the ship to be ready so we can get outta here?"

"It shouldn't be too much longer," replied Tetch, but his attention was suddenly caught by an object out the window, which made him instantly stand up. "You'll forgive me, gentlemen, but I have to make haste – the king's ship is on the horizon."

"You know what, boss? Someday soon, the people of Arkham are gonna say those words," said Rocco, nodding.

"They'll probably say something more like, 'the king's ship is crashing on the horizon,'" retorted Joker. "Anything we can do to help?" he asked, as hundreds of servants began to rush to and fro. "Not to help crash the ship, of course, just to prepare for the arrival…"

"No, just stay there," said Tetch. "I'm not sure how the king is going to react to seeing you, and I'd like to prepare him."

"What do you mean?" asked Joker.

Tetch bit his lip. "He is very…enamored of your wife. The fact that you are alive and here on his island is probably a cause for some consternation on his part. I would not want violence to ensue. And Jonathan is not a violent man, but love makes people act in strange ways."

"If he thinks he can take me, he's welcome to try," retorted Joker. "But no one who's king of Nerd Island has a chance in the underworld of taking me in combat."

"No, just…put that away!" snapped Tetch, as Joker drew his sword. "There is going to be no violence here! I can't stand the sight of blood! Just control yourself, and I'll calm him down before he meets you. Excuse me," he said, hurrying out of the palace and down to the docks, where the ship was landing.

"Welcome home, Jonathan…" began Tetch, as the gangplank was lowered.

"Where is he?" demanded Crane, storming off the ship.

"Jonathan, you are going to be reasonable about this, aren't you?" asked Tetch, following after him as he stormed toward the palace. "No violence. After all, it's not his fault he's still alive, and he does have the prior claim on Harleen's affections. A gentleman must step aside under such circumstances. Surely you can't claim to love her and then attack her husband to prevent him from getting home to her…"

"I'm not going to do anything so barbaric or stupid," snapped Crane. "This is a man who supposedly survived a fight with a giant crocodile monster, and battled the Trojans for ten years! He can obviously best me physically. But mentally, it's an entirely different game, and one I am sure to win. Now where is he?"

"In the dining room," said Tetch. He held his breath as Crane entered, his burning eyes fixed on Joker and looking ready to stab him.

And was shocked when Crane instead forced a smile and held out his hand. "Joker of Arkham, you are impossible not to recognize from the numerous portraits Harleen has about her house," he said. "Welcome to my island. I am relieved to see that you are alive."

"Uh…thanks," said Joker, who had also been expecting a more hostile reception.

"Harleen will be so pleased when she receives the news – she has never given up hope of you returning," continued Crane.

"Well, that's my girl," said Joker, beaming. "But wait a minute, you came from Arkham and you didn't tell her that I was alive?"

"Alas, it must have slipped my mind," said Crane, still smiling. "I did leave in quite a hurry, for I didn't quite believe my steward to be telling the truth about your sudden reappearance, and I knew I had to see the situation for myself. And naturally without knowing for certain that it was you, I didn't want to get Harleen's hopes up. But I will write to her and let her know at once – she has suffered in uncertainty for too long, after all."

"Yeah, she has," agreed Joker. "I gotta say, I didn't expect you to be so…happy to see me. I kinda got the impression from your steward that you were kinda…hoping to marry my wife."

"Well, yes, but I must be reasonable about this," replied Crane. "After all, you have the prior claim on Harleen's affections. A gentleman must step aside under such circumstances. I can't claim to love her and then prevent her husband from getting home to her, not after she's waited so long and faithfully for him. That would hardly be gentlemanly behavior, and we are all gentlemen here on Diathens. Not like that barbaric hellhole Metrosparta."

"Yeah, Lex is pretty crazy over there," agreed Joker.

"He's also currently at Arkham," said Crane, nodding. "Attempting to woo your wife."

"Wow, he does not have good luck with picking women," sighed Joker. "Oh well. He'll still have to die for trying to get his hands on my property. Just like they all will," he muttered. "Present company excepted, of course," he added, with a smile. "It would be really bad manners to kill the guy who's hosting me, and I'm not a terrible guest like that."

"Well, that's…very decent of you," said Crane, slowly. "But of course I imagine you'll want to be on your way home as quickly as possible."

"Yeah, but my ship is kinda temporarily grounded…" began Joker.

"You must take mine," interrupted Crane. "We must speed you home to your wife and children immediately, if you're ready…"

"Beyond ready," interrupted Joker, standing up. "You lead the way."

"Before you set off, I think it's only fair to warn you about a few dangers you'll have leaving my domain," said Crane, as he led them to his ship. "First of all, there's a narrow channel of water you'll need to go through which has a six-headed monster on one side, and a giant whirlpool on the other. I would recommend keeping closer to the side with the monster, as she'll probably only eat about six of your crew, while the other side could destroy your whole ship and crew, as well as yourself…"

"Wait, what?" demanded Joker. "You have to pass by a six-headed monster and a whirlpool every time you wanna leave here?"

"You can see why we don't leave much," agreed Crane, nodding. "And if you do manage to survive that passage, you will have to pass the Sirens's rocks, which are also extremely dangerous. You do know what a siren is, don't you?"

"Some kinda mermaid?" asked Joker.

"Sort of," agreed Crane. "They appear as beautiful women with beautiful voices who lure you towards them. But if you get closer…you'll find they're not so beautiful. Try and block up your ears when you pass them, so you're not tempted to draw nearer to your certain doom. Well, good luck," he said, waving at him as he headed back to his palace. "Please do give your wife my regards."

"Jonathan, what on earth were you talking about back there?" demanded Tetch, following after him. "We don't have any monsters around here!"

"No, but the Joker doesn't know that," retorted Crane. "And I have now suggested them to him, so that he believes in them. And with a little help from a chemical formula of my own invention, he'll begin to see them too."

"Jonathan, hold on," said Tetch, grabbing his arm. "Are you honestly going to fear gas the Joker and his entire crew? You're going to drive them mad with terror so that they'll end up destroying themselves on the rocks!"

"Yes, that's the general idea," agreed Crane, nodding.

"But that's horrible!" exclaimed Tetch. "Whatever would Harleen say?"

"I'm doing this for her!" snapped Crane. "She deserves better than that idiotic, clown-faced brute! She deserves someone of her intellectual equal, who will adore her constantly, not abandon her for years on end! Anyway, everyone already thinks he's dead. I intend not to disappoint them."

"This is not the action of a gentleman, Jonathan," snapped Tetch.

"All's fair in love and war," retorted Crane. "And this is both. This is a war for Harleen's love which I have been fighting for six years, and I am not going to surrender now. She will be mine."

"Aquaman has been trying to kill the Joker for twenty years without success," said Tetch. "What makes you think you can succeed where he has failed?"

Crane snorted. "Please, Jervis. Aquaman? He's universally known as the most pathetic of all the gods. Of course I can succeed where he has failed – I'm not a complete idiot."

"Well, this behavior seems very idiotic to me," retorted Tetch.

"I seem to recall a young lady named Alice whose fiance you tried to have killed because you wanted to marry her yourself," retorted Crane. "How is this any different?"

Tetch glared at him. "Well, for one thing, I tried to control his mind rather than scare him to death," he retorted. "So it's entirely different. And I must say, I wish I'd used that mind control on the Joker and his men while they were here – they were most rude about our island, saying it was boring, when we have a library, and a tea room, and a petting zoo…"

A messenger came rushing over at that moment. "My lord, the petting zoo…I'm afraid the visitors must have mistaken the animals there for food."

Tetch paled. "Which…which animals?" he stammered.

"Well, the cows, chickens, sheep...strangely they left the pigs…and the rabbits, sir," replied the messenger.

"My…my rabbits?" stammered Tetch, horrified. "But they were wearing waistcoats…surely it was obvious even to the most rudimentary intelligence that these animals were not for eating…"

"Apparently not, sir," replied the messenger, holding up a tiny waistcoat covered in blood.

Tetch's eyes hardened. "All right, kill them all," he muttered at Crane. "They deserve it."

"Thank you, Jervis," said Crane, as he reached for a lever. Pulling this released a huge cloud of thick, yellow gas, like a fog, engulfing the departing ship in its path.


	17. Chapter 17

"What is up with this fog?" demanded Joker, coughing as he tried to see through the choking yellow smoke.

"Maybe it has something to do with the monsters?" asked Rocco, nervously. "Maybe they create it? Or breathe it out somehow?"

"It just doesn't make any sense for smart guys like that to live on an island surrounded by monsters," said Joker. "Why don't they move?"

"They got their library," reminded Rocco. "Maybe it's hard for them to move all the books."

"Well, they are weirdos – might make sense for them to put the books over the lives of their people," agreed Joker, nodding. "Still, it's nice of Craney to be so understanding about Harley. I tell ya, if it were me competing for her affections, I wouldn't let any other guy get his hands on her, and I'd stop at nothing to eliminate the competition. Not that I need to compete for her affections, of course. Harley's a loyal dame, and she'd never give up on me, no matter how many others guys try and tempt her. Plus if Craney and Lexy are the best they can do, I really don't have anything to worry about."

"The good news is Aquaman hasn't appeared yet," said Rocco. "Maybe he can't find us in this fog?"

"Don't jinx it," retorted Joker. "Anyway, he might not even have to, because I don't know how we're going to find our way home in this fog – I have no idea what direction we're heading. We should probably stay put until it clears. I don't wanna encounter those monsters if I can't see 'em…"

He suddenly heard screaming coming from the front of the ship. "What in the underworld…" he began, rushing forward and peering through the fog.

"B…boss, what...is that?" demanded Rocco, pointing.

"I dunno – I don't see anything," Joker retorted.

"It's a six-headed monster!" shrieked someone else.

"Where?" demanded Joker.

"Right there!" exclaimed Rocco, pointing again. Joker could just make out the dark shape of a cave in a cliff. "I don't see any monster," he said.

"It's right there – how can you miss it?" demanded Rocco.

"I'm telling you, it's just an empty cave!" snapped Joker.

"But you do see that giant whirlpool, right, boss?" asked another man, pointing over the opposite side of the ship.

Joker turned. "Oh yeah, I see that," he muttered. "Keep the ship on this side!" he shouted.

"But that monster will eat us!" exclaimed Rocco.

"There's no monster there!" shouted Joker. "It's a trick or a hallucination or something! But that giant whirlpool is very real, and I'm not going down in it!"

"I'd rather drown than be eaten by that monster!" shouted one of the men, leaping over the side of the ship.

"No, look, guys, that's a terrible idea, because if you all jump overboard, there's gonna be no one left to steer…" began Joker, but the other men ignored him, jumping over the side too. "Fine, you buncha ungrateful jerks – go drown!" shouted Joker after them. "After all I've done for you like…lead you crashing from dangerous island to dangerous island, and getting you turned into pigs, and sailing into the underworld…y'know, I guess it's fair," he concluded. "Whelp, guess it's just you and me now, huh, Roc?" he asked.

Rocco nodded slowly. "Sure, boss," he said, grabbing the oars.

"Just keep to this side of the cliff," said Joker, as they slowly made their way past the whirlpool.

Rocco leaped out of the way suddenly. "What are you doing?" demanded Joker.

"Didn't you see that monster head come straight for us?" demanded Rocco. "It nearly got you!"

"For the last time, there's no monster!" shouted Joker. "You're under some sorta spell, and gods knows why it's not affecting me!"

"Maybe it's got something to do with that yellow fog," said Rocco.

"But I breathed that in too, and I still don't see this monster," said Joker. "Mind you, I'm not particularly afraid of monsters either – after what I've been through, a six-headed creature just seems fairly routine at this point."

"Maybe that's it then," said Rocco. "Maybe the yellow fog makes you hallucinate your fears. And after the king of Diathens told us about this monster, maybe we're all seeing it."

"You don't think he was trying to eliminate the competition after all?" asked Joker. "Why does everyone who hosts us end up trying to kill us?! I'm starting to take it a little personally!"

"Just lucky, I guess," said Rocco.

"Well, I can guarantee you that monster ain't real, but that whirlpool is," said Joker. "Just keep your eyes shut and I'll steer us. Lucky thing I'm not affected by this gas or we'd probably end up dead, which was probably Craney's plan all along. Remind me to put his name back on the list of dead suitors."

They managed to skirt around the whirlpool, leaving the channel behind and heading out onto the sea. "You can open your eyes, Roc – looks like smooth sailing from here on out," said Joker, looking around.

"What are those rocks over there?" asked Rocco, pointing.

"That's probably those Siren Rocks Craney was talking about," said Joker. "Probably another lie of his…"

He trailed off when a very familiar form suddenly appeared on the rocks. "Harley?" he stammered.

"Hi, puddin'," purred Harley's voice, soft and soothing on the wind. "It's been awhile. I've missed you so much."

"Oh baby, I've missed you too," said Joker. "But what are you doing all the way out here? I thought you were home at Arkham. And where are the kiddies?"

"I left the kiddies to handle things at home while I went out searching for you," replied Harley. "You were just gone so long and I couldn't sit around there any longer doing nothing. I had to come find you."

"Boss, who are you talking to?" asked Rocco, slowly.

"Harley," retorted Joker. "Right over there."

"That's not Harley, boss," said Rocco.

"Are you blind? Of course it is!" retorted Joker.

"No, there's nothing there, boss," said Rocco. "You're just talking to a buncha rocks."

"He's crazy, puddin', don't listen to him," replied Harley. "He's still hallucinating because of that fog. It's really me. Why don't you come see?"

"No, boss, don't," said Rocco, as Joker began steering the ship toward the rocks. "It's a trick – you're the one hallucinating now."

"I'm not afraid of Harley, Roc!" snapped Joker. "I thought we'd established that fog plays on our fears! So why would I be hallucinating about Harley…"

He trailed off again as he saw someone else join Harley on the rocks. "Sorry, puddin', I forgot to mention – I remarried," said Harley. "This is my new husband, Lex."

Joker stared at him. "No, you wouldn't…Harley wouldn't…I thought you were loyal to me, toots!"

"Oh puddin', nobody's that loyal," sighed Harley. "Twenty years and you expect me to just put my life on hold while I hang around and wait for you? I'm still a young, attractive woman with my whole life ahead of me – why would I waste it vainly hoping that some guy's gonna eventually make his way back to me, when there are hundreds of other guys out there hoping for a piece of me? Why wouldn't I take advantage of that?"

"Because you made a promise to me!" shouted Joker. "To be faithful to me and only me forever! I thought you loved me, but nobody who loved me would do this to me! And especially not with Lex!"

"Oh, Lex I married, but I also slept with all the others," said Harley, nodding. "Why not have a little fun if they're offering, right, puddin'? Johnny Crane was exceptionally exciting in bed, but ultimately I married the guy who could benefit me most. I mean, I married for love the first time, and look how that turned out. Might as well be mercenary about these things now, but it does mean that Metrosparta is making Arkham into a colony of theirs. So even if you do ever get home, you've lost your kingdom and me to Lex. Sad for you, I guess, but I got an upgrade in the man department," she purred, kissing Lex tenderly.

"Arkham will never belong to Lex, and neither will you!" shouted Joker. "I'll take you both back, right after I kill Lex for what he's done, and maybe you along with him!"

"Boss, no!" shouted Rocco, trying to grab the wheel away from him as Joker steered toward the rocks. "Don't listen to her! I promise you, whatever she's said, it's not Harley! This fear gas or whatever it is is trying to get you to crash the ship by luring you onto the rocks! It's all Crane's doing, remember? So he can eliminate the competition! You can't let him win! You have to trust me, just like I trusted you about that monster, and you have to trust Harley! You know her and you love her – does that really sound like her to you?"

Joker looked at the figure passionately kissing Lex, and shook his head slowly. "No, you're right, Roc," he murmured. "Harley's not like that. She would never be like Harvey's wife – she's a loyal dame, and she's waiting for me in Arkham, which is still my kingdom."

He steered away from the rocks, safely back out onto the open sea. "Great job, boss," said Rocco. "Hopefully that gas won't affect us anymore…"

He trailed off as he saw Aquaman in front of them. "Well, I'm not afraid of him, so that can't be the gas," said Joker.

"No, I'm very real," said Aquaman. "And I see that you just narrowly managed to avoid a whirlpool. Allow me to send you back into it."

"But that'll break the ship apart and we'll drown!" exclaimed Joker. "And that would ruin your fun in tormenting me real quick, wouldn't it?"

"Yes, but it was growing old anyway," said Aquaman, nodding. "I was getting bored of just crashing you on islands – I think it's time I took my final revenge by killing you."

"But I was just in the underworld!" protested Joker. "And I left Batsy with a bit of a grudge against me – he won't be pleased to see me again so soon…"

"Good, I don't like Batman," interrupted Aquaman. "You know he can't even talk to bats? In fact, he doesn't have any powers at all, so I don't know why people even worship him as a god when he's merely caretaker of the underworld."

"Yeah, he's basically just a babysitter for dead people," agreed Joker. "But you know what? He's still not as lame as you are."

Aquaman glared at him. "If your last words must be insolent ones, so be it," he snapped. "Goodbye forever, Joker of Arkham. May you never cross the River Styx, and be tormented by Batman in the underworld forever."

"Still a better fate than being you!" shouted Joker, as Aquaman raised a wave which shot the ship back the way it had come, straight toward the giant whirlpool.

"Well, I guess this is it, boss," sighed Rocco. "It's been good sailing with you, but who are we kidding? You can't change your fate, and the gods have fated us for death."

"I don't believe in fate," muttered Joker, tying a rope around his waist and then tossing it at Rocco. "Just hang on. We are not drowning today."

"Boss, I admire the fighting spirit after all this, but let's face it, getting home is just not in the cards," sighed Rocco.

"And the cards didn't count on having a Joker in the deck," retorted Joker, ripping up some planks from the boat and tying the rope to them. "Get ready to hold your breath. We're going into that whirlpool, but we're gonna float out of it…somewhere."

The ship was sucked into the swirling maelstrom, the waves spinning them round and round as it pulled them deeper and deeper down into the sea. Joker took a deep breath as the roaring water enveloped them, and hoped against hope that they'd be spit out somewhere close to home.


	18. Chapter 18

Just before sunrise, Arleen and J.J. made their way carefully through the dark and empty corridors of the palace, before arriving at last at the door to their mother's room. They knocked, and heard her whisper, "Come in!"

They obeyed, and Harleen turned to them. "Well? Can you tell the difference?" she asked, gesturing to a tapestry.

"Not really," said Arleen, squinting. "How much did you unravel this time?"

"Only about two inches – you can't tell, can you?" asked Harleen. "I need you to not be able to tell I unraveled it from yesterday."

"I can't," said J.J. "And I think I'm more astute than most of the suitors."

"We need to be sure, J.J. – this isn't a game," said Harleen, sternly. "Do you know what would happen if those numbskulls out there realized what I was doing?"

"They'd be really annoyed," said J.J., nodding. "And maybe violent, which would give us an excuse to be violent in return and kill them all."

"We're outnumbered, J.J.," said Arleen. "Even with our superior fighting skills, we can't take out a hundred and eight men on our own with just the three of us."

"A hundred and seven – Crane's gone home," pointed out J.J. "I like those odds."

"Why do you think he went home?" asked Arleen. "He didn't seem like the type to give up – outta all of them, he seemed like he was one of the most dedicated."

"He said it was an emergency at home," replied Harleen.

"But what kinda emergency could be more important than something he's dedicated six years of his life to?" asked Arleen. "Why couldn't his steward handle it? Why would it necessitate him being there personally and abandoning something he's been so devoted to?"

"It's something really important, I guess," said J.J., shrugging. "Let's just be thankful he's not here – he was fairly intelligent compared to the competition, and I think he was beginning to catch on about the tapestry. Unlike idiots like Creeper who probably wouldn't notice if you just unraveled the whole thing."

"I'd rather not take chances," retorted Harleen. "So for the last time, you can't tell the difference?"

"No, Mom, it's good," said Arleen, nodding. "You've been really thorough and really careful, and it's paid off. I only wish I knew how much longer we have to go through this ridiculous charade."

"So do I, baby," murmured Harleen. "We just have to hang on until your father comes home. I know he's coming back, I know it…"

She trailed off, tracing her fingers lovingly along the clown face in the tapestry. "Do we…have a backup plan in case he doesn't?" asked J.J., slowly. "I mean, we can't keep doing this forever."

"He's coming back, J.J.," repeated Harleen, firmly. "I can feel it."

"Ok, but what if he isn't?" demanded J.J. "It's been twenty years, Mom – we need to start admitting that possibility."

"I'm not admitting that!" snapped Harleen, rounding on him. "I'm not giving up hope, J.J.! I don't care how long it takes!"

"I do!" shouted J.J. "We can't keep living like this, Mom! Living every day with lies and deception, smiling as we put up with these intruders…"

"Your father would want us to smile, no matter what," interrupted Harleen.

"He's dead, Mom!" shouted J.J. "He's dead! So it doesn't matter what he wants, does it?!"

Harleen gazed at him, tears rising to her eyes. "He isn't," she whispered. "He's coming home…he promised…"

"J.J., c'mon," said Arleen, gently. "Don't start fights…"

"I'm not trying to – I'm just trying to figure out a plan so we stop this ridiculous charade and get our lives back!" retorted J.J. "It's been six years since the suitors came, Mom, and that's long enough to put up with them! I'm not gonna stand for it much longer!"

"Yes, you will, J.J.," snapped Harleen. "I know things are bad now, but when your father comes home, everything will be fine again. It'll be like the way things were before he left, when life was perfect."

"Mom…you know we don't really remember the way things were when Dad was here, right?" asked Arleen, slowly. "I mean, we were three when he left…we don't really remember very much about him…"

"If you didn't have paintings of him everywhere, I wouldn't even remember what he looked like," said J.J.

Harleen said nothing. "Well, it's a good thing I have paintings everywhere then," she murmured. "So you don't forget. And so you can recognize him when he comes back."

"Mom, I love you, but you have to face reality…" began J.J.

"No, J.J.!" she shouted. "I don't! That's not what your father would want! He would want me to be faithful and to not give up hope, no matter how many years have passed! And even if he is dead, I'm not going to disappoint him!"

"So how many more years do we wait, then?" demanded J.J. "Another lifetime?! How many more days do we wake up and commit these deceptions like cowards?! How many more days do we put up with those horrible men crashing in our home, and threatening our safety unless you marry one of them?! When are we going to fight back?!"

"When your father comes home," murmured Harleen. "And I'm not going to discuss this anymore. Why don't you two go have breakfast, and leave the suitors to me?"

J.J. turned and strode from the room without another word, with his sister following him. "You knew talking to her wouldn't do any good…" Arleen began.

"No, talking never does," muttered J.J. "Only action does any good."

"J.J., we're not going against Mom's wishes," said Arleen, firmly. "We are not going to appear openly hostile to the suitors…"

"How much longer can you put up with smiling in their faces, Leenie, when you know they're only here to steal the kingdom from us?" snapped J.J. "And that's the best case scenario! You know what they're all thinking about Mom – can you honestly be civil to someone who only views your mother as a piece of meat?"

"For her sake, yes," said Arleen. "And if you love her, you'll be civil too."

"I do love her, but this is an impossible situation," growled J.J. "And of course I admire her loyalty to Dad, but…"

"You don't think he's coming back," finished Arleen, nodding.

"Do you?" asked J.J. "Honestly?"

Arleen shook her head. "I wish I could say yes. But I can't. But there's no way of convincing Mom – she'll go to her grave waiting for him."

"Her grave and ours will be sooner than it should be if we don't get rid of these damn suitors," muttered J.J. "Eventually they're going to figure out what she's doing and demand an ultimatum – she picks one of them, or they declare war. And so she'll finally marry one of them to keep us safe, and they'll want her to produce an heir, and if that happens, then we're as good as dead, because our new stepfather won't want any competition for the throne. He'll see to it that his offspring is safe, while ensuring that we're as dead as our father."

"That really is the worst case scenario," said Arleen.

"No, the worst case scenario is that Mom dies while trying to produce an heir," retorted J.J. "Which would also mean that we're as dead as our father."

"We won't let that happen, J.J.," said Arleen. "We'll look after each other, and Mom. We're a family, and we're going to stick together. While also not letting anyone else into the family, of course," she added.

J.J. sighed. "I'm going for a walk," he said. "Hopefully some fresh air will clear my head. Wanna come?"

"Where are you going?" asked Arleen, following him.

"The beach," said J.J. "That's where we always used to go as kids, remember?"

Arleen nodded. "We'd pretend like we could talk to Dad across the waves, and that he'd talk back."

"Well, if he is out there like Mom says, I could sure use his guidance now," sighed J.J.

They headed down to the shore, wandering along a sheltered cove and listening to the waves crashing on the beach. "Looks like something washed up here," said J.J., noticing bits of broken wood strewn about the sand. "Like there's been a storm…"

"I didn't hear anything last night," said Arleen, frowning.

"Well, it was something," said J.J. "Look, there's dead fish and seaweed and…"

He trailed off as they came upon two bodies lying face down in the sand. "It must have been a shipwreck, but what kinda ship only has two crew members?" he asked, kneeling down and reaching for a stick.

"What are you doing?" asked Arleen.

"Just making sure they're dead," retorted J.J., poking at the bodies. "Then we can see if they have anything valuable on them…"

He leapt back suddenly as a hand shot up, seizing the stick. "Are you kidding me?!" shouted the man the hand belonged to, as he lifted his head up. "I survive a goddamn whirlpool only to be attacked with a stick on whatever godforsaken island I've washed up on…"

He trailed off as he stared at J.J., who stared back. "Oh…my gods," he gasped.

"Daddy?" stammered Arleen, stunned.

"Leenie!" gasped Joker. "J.J…I'm home!" he shouted, leaping to his feet and seizing them both in his arms. "I'm home, I'm home, I'm home! Roc, we made it!" he shouted, turning to his companion, who was slowly getting to his feet, spitting out sand and water. "We're home!"

"Great, boss," said Rocco. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go find my daughter, and never go out on the water again."

"Amen to that!" exclaimed Joker, as Rocco raced off. "Hey, suck it, Aquaman!" he shouted, turning to face the sea. "I made it home, and you're still lame! I stand by what I said, and I'll never retract it! Lamewad god! Lamewad god!" he began chanting, until another tidal wave rose up out of the water. Joker raced back inland to safety, dragging his children behind him. "Can't get me anymore, sucker!" he shouted. "Can't crash me on anymore hellhole islands with cannibal crocodile men, and crazy plant nymphomaniacs, and imaginary monsters! You can't touch this, pal! I'm home at last!"

"Wait, is that why you've been away for so long?" asked J.J. "You insulted Aquaman and he kept you away as revenge?"

"Yeah, he's a jerk," agreed Joker, nodding.

"But didn't you start it by insulting him?" asked J.J.

"No, he started it by being a jerk," retorted Joker. "I responded in self-defense, and here we are twenty years later, with me having the last laugh."

"You left us for twenty years," said Arleen. "In what way is that funny?"

"No, that's not funny, but the fact that Aquaman lost in the end and is still a loser is," said Joker, beaming at them. "As is the fact that after all that effort, he still couldn't stop me from getting home! Some all powerful god, huh?"

He chuckled wildly to himself, but stopped when he realized his children weren't laughing, just looking at him in a mixture of disbelief and pain. "It's been twenty years, Dad," murmured J.J. "Twenty years of missing you, and growing up without a father, all because you insulted a god."

"We can't just pick up where we left off," murmured Arleen. "And we can't get that time back. All those years of watching and waiting until we just stopped hoping. It wasn't funny at all."

"Look, I…get that you kids might not remember my sense of humor," said Joker, slowly. "It's a little twisted…but I'm only laughing because I'm so happy and relieved that I'm back home with my family at last. It was the only thing I wanted in the world for so long…I would never have stayed away twenty years if I could have avoided it somehow, trust me. Not only was it the worst trip of my life, but I missed everything that was important to me – watching you kids grow up for a start. Believe me, if I could get that time back by apologizing to Aquaman, I definitely would. But I can't. But now that I am back, all I want is to get reacquainted, and make up for all the time I lost somehow. I may be crazy, but I believe it's never too late to make a fresh start, or to rebuild a relationship, as long as the love is there. And I never stopped loving you kids – if you knew how many times I thought about you, and wondered what you were doing, and wished I could be with you. I wanted beyond reason to tell you how proud I was of you, for looking after your mother all these years, and for just being you. For being everything you are, and doing me proud, and for hanging on when things seemed hopeless. That's the Joker tenacity you've got. I know maybe you don't feel like you know me, or that I know you, but now that I'm home, I wanna spend the rest of my life getting to know you, if you'll have me. What do you say?"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Just hypothetically, how would you deal with a buncha suitors who've been pestering Mom for six years?" asked J.J.

"Murder them all slowly and painfully," said Joker, nodding. "I got all sorts of ideas for making it last. They're gonna wish they'd never laid eyes on your mother, and that they'd never been born by the time I'm through with them. But being the Joker, I'm not just gonna go in there sword blazing. I'm gonna prank 'em all, so that they'll die laughing. Or we'll be laughing as they die, I guess. Either way, it's gonna be a laugh riot!"

Arleen and J.J. shared another look, and then smiled. "Dad, I think we're gonna get along just fine."


	19. Chapter 19

Harleen opened the door to her room and forced a smile as she saw the suitors gathered there, as usual. "Good morning, gentlemen…" she began.

"Harleen, we've been talking, and we think you should give up on this whole tapestry idea," interrupted Lex Luthor. "I know you said you haven't completed it, but it's meant as a shroud for your husband, and if you don't actually have his body here to wrap it in, it's probably good enough the way it is, don't you agree?"

"Um…no," stammered Harleen. "I think I need to complete it in order to get closure…"

"Or you could just move on to a new relationship," interrupted Creeper. "I mean, if you haven't got closure after twenty years, it doesn't seem like something you're gonna get, am I right? Like, if you're eating a meal, and the waiter takes the food away before you're done and you're still hungry, do you sulk over that, or do you just move on to the next course? Especially if it's sweet and yummy dessert, like Creeper pie!"

"I've told you all, I need this, and I'm not comfortable with being pressured to move on," retorted Harleen. "That's really not the behavior of gentlemen."

"Well, with Crane gone, we've decided to ditch that whole gentlemen thing," said Luthor. "From now on, we're going to look out for your best interests. And your best interests are getting over your dead husband as soon as possible. So I think it's time you make a choice, Harleen. Which one of us are you going to marry?"

Harleen stared at them. "I'm sorry, I…need more time to decide…" she began.

"You've had six years," interrupted Luthor. "That's time enough."

"Especially when the choice is this obvious," agreed Creeper. "It's not even a competition when you've got Creeper in the running, am I right?"

"We'll be expecting an answer from you in the great hall in an hour," said Luthor. "See you then."

The suitors strode off, with Harleen staring after them. Then she slammed her bedroom door, trying not to panic. "Come on, Harleen, think!" she hissed. "Think of some way to stall them, just a little longer! Just until…"

She trailed off as she turned to face the tapestry. "Just until Mr. J gets home," she murmured, tears in her eyes. "Gods, I wish you were here now."

"Wish granted, sweets!" chuckled a familiar voice.

Harleen whirled around to see the Joker lying on her bed, his arms over his head and a huge grin on his face. "Miss me, dollface?" he asked.

Harleen stared at him, open-mouthed. "Oh gods, it's finally happened!" she whispered. "I've snapped! I'm hallucinating him now!"

"No hallucination, toots!" he chuckled. "C'mon, pinch me!"

Harleen approached him slowly, and then put her hand out to touch his cheek. "You're…real," she gasped. "You're back!"

Then her eyes blazed as her hand curled itself into a fist. "You jerk!" she shrieked, punching him hard across the face. "You left me for twenty years! I had to take care of the kingdom and the kiddies all by myself, and then these suitor creeps show up and expect me to marry one of 'em, so I gotta deal with them too! Where the hell have you been for twenty years?!" she shouted, punching him again. "How dare you leave me for that long and just show up expecting me to be happy and waiting for you when you come back?! Do you have any idea how many sleepless nights I've spent worrying about you, not knowing whether you're dead or coming back at all, and thinking of every conceivable possibility of what could have happened to you?! And you just waltz in here like I should be overjoyed you finally made it back, after abandoning me and the kiddies for two decades! You've got some nerve, Mr. J! I should kill you myself!"

"Or you could find another outlet for all that aggression," suggested Joker, smiling up at her and licking the blood from his lips. "It has been twenty years, after all."

"Don't I know it!" shrieked Harleen. "And it better have been twenty years for you, you creep! I don't know where you've been or who you've been with for the past two decades…"

"No one, baby, I swear!" exclaimed Joker. "There was this creepy plant nymphomaniac who tried to force me, but I ended up tying her up with the Lasso of Truth…"

"You were tying women up?!" shrieked Harleen.

"No, not like that…" began Joker.

"I am going to kill you!" she screamed, leaping onto him and seizing him around the throat. "You stupid, stupid clown! How could you leave me for that long?!"

"Baby…the kids have forgiven me…why can't you?" gasped Joker.

"You saw the kiddies before you saw me?!" she shrieked. "You wanted to keep me waiting just a little longer, is that it?! Is that some sick joke to you, to see just how long I could hold on without going completely insane?!"

"I think it's kinda…too late for that," gasped Joker. "Right, Harley?"

"You'd better believe it is, you dumb jerk!" she shrieked. "Because only someone who's completely insane could have waited for you for twenty years, and still be crazy in love with you!" She suddenly shoved her mouth onto his as she began ripping his clothes off. "I'm still mad at you," she muttered in between kisses. "But it's been twenty years, and I need it!"

"But you do still love me, right?" he asked.

"Of course I do, you stupid clown!" she snapped, hitting him again and then covering him with kisses. "Can't you tell by how angry and violent I am, you idiot?!"

"That was always how we showed we cared," agreed Joker. "Gods, I've missed you, pooh!"

"I've missed you too, you selfish creep," she muttered. "But you better have a damn good explanation for why you've been gone so long. Which you can tell me after sex, because first thing's first."

"Nah, it'll just make you all violent again," murmured Joker. "I insulted Aquaman, and he kept me away for twenty years."

Harleen nodded. "I _am_ gonna kill you," she repeated, as she continued to kiss and undress him. "But after sex, like I said."

"Well, turns out I can't kill you after that," she sighed, as they lay in each other's arms later. "Maybe I'll just keep you around a little longer after all. Just for the sex," she added. "Not because I love you or anything, you dumb clown."

"If you just wanted sex, you coulda hooked up with one of the suitors," retorted Joker.

"Are you kidding?" she asked. "None of 'em coulda been as good in bed as you. Besides, have you seen 'em? I really think a gal like me can do better. Plus I made a vow to you when I married you that sex was always gonna be between you and me, and I'm a woman of my word."

"Pumpkin pie, I am so sorry for leaving you," said Joker. "If I could have prevented it somehow, I would have…"

"You coulda kept your mouth shut around Aquaman," snapped Harleen. "You're gonna have to do a lotta crap for me to make up for being gone for twenty years, y'know. And most of it won't be fun for you."

"I can think of one thing that will," murmured Joker, smiling at her. "The kiddies and I have come up with a plan to prank the suitors, and I think you're gonna like it. It's gonna end with them all dying horribly."

"Well then, of course I'm gonna like it," retorted Harleen. She snuggled against him. "I still can't believe you're back," she whispered. "I dreamed about this day for so long…"

"Me too," agreed Joker. "On all the stupid islands I kept crashing into, when I felt like giving into despair, I just thought about what it would be like to be reunited with you, and that made me fight on. And I gotta say, it was even better than I expected," he added, kissing her.

"You have to tell me all about what you went through someday," murmured Harleen. "And don't leave out any details, even if they involve plant nymphomaniacs."

"You know, you gotta expect, being married to a guy as irresistible as me, that other dames are gonna show an interest," said Joker, nodding. "But loyalty is a pretty strong quality in both of us. Some could call it commitment for life."

"Everyone was thinking I should be committed for life, insisting that you were gonna come back after twenty years," agreed Harleen, nodding. "Including the kiddies."

"You've done a good job with 'em, though," said Joker. "They're a chip off the old block. I'm only sorry I missed seeing 'em grow up, and helping you out with raising 'em."

"Yeah, I needed some help during the teenage years," agreed Harleen. "Hormones make kids into complete nightmares."

"Hang on, we're not that bad!" interrupted J.J., breaking in on the story.

"Yeah, we could be a lot worse!" agreed Arleen. "Neither of us are on drugs or pregnant or even particularly disobedient!"

"Though we are cheating on this book assignment," conceded J.J. "But you encouraged that, Dad."

"Y'know, the thing about jokes is that they don't have to apply to everyone," retorted Joker. "A lot of humor is based on stereotypes – that doesn't mean that it's true in every instance. Teenagers are traditionally hard to deal with, so making a joke about that is relatable for a lot of people. If you start to take every joke personally, you'll turn into a humorless grump like Batman."

"Well, do we have to hear all the details about your and Mom's reunion?" asked J.J. "It's making me kinda uncomfortable, for one."

"Your mother and I have a healthy sexual relationship, which is nothing to be embarrassed about," retorted Joker. "It's a perfectly natural thing, and it's the reason you kiddies are here in the first place."

"Is a sexual relationship based on violence and pain really a healthy relationship, though?" asked Arleen, tentatively.

"I don't see why not, as long as it's consensual," replied Harley, shrugging. "Not that I want you kids to rush into anything – you're far too young for things like that."

"Yeah, Aunt Ivy agrees we're far too young for violence…and of course we wouldn't dream of doing anything like that, Mom," added J.J., nodding. "So can't we just skip on to the senseless murder and mutilation parts of the story, Dad?"

"Ok, ok, let no one say the Joker ever disappointed an audience, especially when they want murder and mutilation," said Joker, nodding. "You kids want a blood bath, and I'll give it to you. Get the towels ready!" he chuckled.

His children looked at him. "Y'know…because it's a blood bath," said Joker, slowly. "You know what, I'm not explaining it to you – if you don't get it you don't get it."

"Yeah, that's…really funny, Dad," said J.J., smiling. "I know it's bad to say, being the Joker and all, but his jokes are getting more like dad jokes with each passing year," he muttered to his sister under his breath.

"Tell me about it," muttered Arleen. "Just never tell _him_ about it."


	20. Chapter 20

"Gentlemen, thank you for your patience," said Harleen, addressing the suitors, who had all assembled in the great hall. "I know it's been a challenging few years for all of us, me especially…"

"You know, this isn't all about you," interrupted Luthor. "Some of us have been wasting a lot of time just to satisfy your whims. As I said to my ex-wife before she was stolen from me by the king of the gods, do you have any idea how much trouble I've gone through just for you? The fact that you're not on your knees in gratitude to us for our patience is a little rude, I must say."

"Uh…sure," said Harleen, slowly. "Because I asked you to come here and bother me with demands for marriage…anyway, it's time I ended your wait, and I have come up with, what I think, is a fair trial to decide who my next husband will be."

She drew aside a sheet to reveal several objects spread along a long table. They were comedy props. "The object of the trial is simple – whichever man among you who can make me laugh shall have my hand in marriage," she declared.

"That's it?" demanded Creeper. "Well, let's end this contest right now – in the words of a famous 90s boy band, 'it's gonna be me.' Just stand back, everyone, and prepare to have your sides split."

He cleared his throat. "So…what's the deal with hydras? It's like you cut one head off and three more grow in its place – what's up with that? Is there some magic trigger inside the neck that senses when its head's been sliced off? And how does flesh and bone grow that fast? Why wouldn't the regeneration process take a long time? Are we supposed to believe that this is some kinda magic monster who can just defy the laws of nature? C'mon, back me up here, folks."

Everyone just looked at him. "It's observational comedy, people, come on!" exclaimed Creeper. "Ok, let's try another one – what's up with centaurs? I mean, are they people or horses? How was the first centaur created, do we think about that? Which god do you think it was who had sex with a horse?"

"Aquaman!" shouted a voice from the crowd. "Because he's lame, and has had sex with animals before to father crocodile monster men!"

"Ok, you're done," interrupted Harleen, before Creeper could respond. "Next suitor, please!"

Luthor stood up. "I don't consider myself a comedian, but I'm obviously funnier than that guy," he said, nodding at Creeper. "Let's try some of these comedy props…how does this work?" he asked, examining a whoopie cushion.

"Oh gods, this is painful," muttered the same voice from the crowd, as Luthor picked up a set of chattering teeth and tried to insert them into his own mouth.

"Who are you to criticize me?" demanded Luthor, glaring into the audience.

"I'm nobody," chuckled the voice, as the man it belonged to approached him, dressed in a hooded purple robe. "To repeat an oldie but goodie gag. Just an old beggar who's wandered into this palace looking for some food. But if the challenge is comedy, I reckon I could defeat all you young whippersnappers. I was quite the comedian in my day."

"Well, that day is obviously past," retorted Luthor. "Plus the prize in this comedy contest is for Harleen's hand in marriage, and she will not be considering old beggars…"

"Actually, I might," interrupted Harleen. "As long as he can make me laugh. That was the challenge, not age or wealth or even physical attractiveness, although something tells me this beggar might just have a lot going for him under that robe," she added, with a small smile.

"I'm flattered that you think that, your majesty, but maybe don't say things like that since it might spoil the joke and all," replied the beggar. "So, I just gotta make you laugh, huh? That shouldn't be too difficult. I may not know much, but I know that everyone loves slapstick. It's the universal language of comedy, people getting hurt. There's no one who doesn't laugh at a good punch in the face. For instance…"

He seized a boxing glove attached to a bow on the table, and suddenly shot it straight into Luthor's face. The glove collided with his face with a satisfying crack, and Harleen burst into laughter as the blood sprayed from his nose.

"You…how dare you?!" shouted Luthor, recovering from his shock. One hand cupped his nose while the other reached for his sword.

This was suddenly shot out of his hand by an arrow. Everyone turned to see Arleen and J.J. standing by the doorway, both holding loaded bows. "Stay in your seats, everyone – the show's just getting started," said Arleen, grinning.

"It sure is," said the beggar, removing his hood. Everyone gasped in shock as the smiling face of the Joker was revealed. "And for my next gag, death by dentistry. Catch!" he exclaimed, tossing the chattering teeth at Creeper, who caught it.

"Gee, thanks!" he exclaimed. "But I don't get the death part…"

The teeth suddenly exploded in his hand, leaving only a smoking crater amid a hail of body parts. Harleen continued to giggle hysterically as the suitors began panicking, some trying to flee to be met with the twins' arrows, and some trying to attack Joker, who threw off his robe to reveal his sword and an array of weapons.

"This is for bothering my wife!" he shouted, cutting down one suitor. "This is for trying to replace me!" he continued, slicing apart another. "And this is for your terrible, terrible taste in women, Lex," he added, stabbing Luthor in the heart. "Plus that whole ten year war that led to my absence in the first place. Jerk."

"Can I join in, puddin'?" asked Harleen.

"Sure, sweets, grab a weapon," he said.

"I call whoopie cushion!" she exclaimed, grabbing it.

"Mmm, good choice!" chuckled Joker. "Aim and fire it!"

Harleen obeyed, pressing down on the cushion and releasing a cloud of poisonous gas straight at a group of suitors. "I got the toxin idea from Crane!" shouted Joker, as he continued to cut down suitors with his sword. "He needs to die too, by the way, because he tried to kill me!"

"I'll summon him back, saying I choose him as my husband," replied Harleen. "Then you can kill him, maybe with another comedy routine."

"I think using the poisonous gas on him would only be fair," agreed Joker. "You know what the funny thing is? We're probably gonna see all these guys again in the afterlife unless we pay for their crossing – they are gonna be bothered by Batman forever, and isn't that justice after all the crap they gave you?"

"It sure is, puddin'," agreed Harleen, seizing a spear and sinking it into a suitor's eye.

"Dad, do you think we're gonna face any repercussions from this slaughter?" asked J.J., as he shot repeating bolts around the room.

"What, for defending my property against a bunch of uninvited gatecrashers?" asked Joker. "I'd say it falls under the heading of my rights as an American…I mean a Greek. Anyway, you can't spell slaughter without laughter, and who doesn't enjoy a good laugh?"

"If anything, this should be a warning for everyone not to bring repercussions over this," said Arleen, firing arrow after arrow into the crowd. "If four of us can take out a hundred and seven guys on our own, that doesn't bode well for anyone trying to attack us. Especially since J.J. and I specialize in range weapons – we could pick off any army approaching the island before they could even dock."

"It might mean a sort of self-imposed isolationism, though," said J.J.

"Suits me," retorted Joker. "I've seen enough weird strangers to last me a lifetime. Plus I can't ever go out on the sea again with Aquaman still gunning for me. But that's fine by me – I got a lotta catching up to do right here with my wife and kids."

"So…a happy ending after all," sighed Harleen, looking around at the blood-spattered room and the sea of bodies, and smiling. "Our family is reunited, the suitors are dead, and all is right with the world."

"You can say that again, toots," said Joker, embracing her. "And no immortal freak god is gonna come between us ever again. Except probably Batman when we die, but I'm actually looking forward to taking him on again."

"You met Batman, Dad?" asked Arleen, surprised.

"What were you doing in Gotham?" asked Harleen.

"And how did you escape?" asked J.J.

"Well, it's a long story," said Joker, taking a seat on his throne again. His family gathered around him, and he told the story I just finished telling you right now.

"Woah, meta," said J.J. in real life, nodding. "Nice, Dad."

"Thank you," said Joker, taking a bow. "Boy, that epic story took longer than I thought," he added, checking his watch. "I'm starving – when's dinner, toots?"

"I dunno," said Harley, shrugging. "I haven't had time to make anything because I've been listening to your story."

There was a knock on the door, and Harley went to open it. "Hi, Harley – I brought you some flour-free, meat-only pizzas for dinner," said Poison Ivy, entering with several boxes. "As a little peace offering for whatever it is I'm meant to have done…"

"Aw, you ain't done nothing, Red – Mr. J was just telling a story where you were wanting to sleep with him," said Harley.

"Did the story involve hell freezing over?" asked Ivy.

"No, hell was Gotham, so it was already frozen," retorted Joker, grabbing a pizza box from her. "Though I gotta say, I do like your pizzas, toots – you can always improve everything by getting rid of the vegetables. Present company included," he added with a grin.

"Yeah, who wouldn't wanna sleep with that?" asked Ivy, sarcastically.

"My thoughts exactly," purred Harley, kissing Joker's cheek.

"Auntie, if you don't mind, I'd kinda like to get some biology homework done before dinner," spoke up J.J. "If you're in the mood…for helping me…"

"Of course, J.J.," said Ivy. "When am I not in the mood to help you? Let's go," she said, as they headed for his room.

"I could probably use some homework help too…" began Arleen.

"No, I work best when I study alone," interrupted J.J., hastily. "Just go eat dinner with Mom and Dad, sis. We'll join you shortly."

Arleen shrugged, grabbing a pizza and heading to the dinner table. "I think Aunt Ivy prefers J.J. to me," she said.

"Don't be silly – your auntie loves both of you equally," said Harley, firmly. "Just like your parents do."

"But they're always studying together," said Arleen.

"Take it as a compliment, sweets – your brother needs more help in school than you do," replied Joker. "Means you're smarter than him, but don't tell him I said that."

"I won't, Daddy," said Arleen, with a smile. "Or if I do, I'll save it for a special occasion when he's really being a jerk, and then I'll hit him with it."

"That's my girl," said Joker, nodding. "Delivering punchlines with perfect comic timing, so as to inflict maximum damage. I really have taught you well. And these are things they just don't teach in school. I mean, epic works of literature are all very well, but how's that gonna apply to real life? It's not like anyone is actually stupid enough to go out and insult a god, or fight a god, or surround themselves with freaks and weirdos…"

He trailed off, checking his watch again. "Holy Batman, I'm late!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I'm meeting Harvey at the Gotham Mint in two minutes – we're gonna lure Bats inside like the dumb rodent he is, and then blow it up!"

"Have fun!" said Harley, kissing him before he raced off. "What?" she asked, noticing Arleen looking at her.

"Nothing, Mom," replied Arleen with a grin. "Nothing at all."

 **The End**


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